Apparently, Stanford University has disavowed a study that had been published back in November of 2020 on the NCBI government website. I’d share it with you but it has since been retracted. I guess it was getting too much attention from free-minded American citizens, so they had to remove it. Too bad, because I think a general observation of how states with strict lockdowns and mandated mask wearing as opposed to states without these regulations plainly show what works and what doesn’t. The study just confirmed what we can see with our own eyes and it’s being demonized by all the main stream media outlets which tells me it’s definitely legit. But that’s just my opinion. Yeah, yeah, I know “The Editorial Committee” cited the study to have misleading and inaccurate citations by the author in order to advance his hypotheses. But at this point, who the hell can we believe anymore?
I’m tired of the misplaced outrage. People should be enraged over all the COVID deaths that could have been easily avoided by just administering proven treatments such as Hydroxychloroquine or Ivermectin. These drugs are backed by PLENTY of data worldwide; proven to cure this virus. But instead they are BLOCKED. WHY?!?! Hydroxychloroquine was blocked right after President Trump said he was taking it. That’s INSANE! They hated him so much that they were willing to let people suffer and die just to spite him. That should piss you off.
More and more patients are being found to show complete turnarounds and recover quite quickly due to an anti-parasitic drug, Ivermectin. It’s abhorrent to me that family of sick loved ones have had to get lawyers and judges involved and FIGHT to get hospitals to prescribe this medication. THAT is what is disgusting, not “anti-maskers.” It’s disgusting that “they” don’t want you to know about these cures because then “they” can’t control you anymore; it doesn’t fit their sick agenda . . . Not to mention that the vaccine business is big, big money. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, fear is a powerful tool. But, I’ve already been over all this.
We don’t need a vaccine, especially an EXPERIMENTAL one . . . we already have a cure. And the majority of people who do get this virus have extremely mild to non-existent symptoms! The number of people that my husband and I know of, combined, who got COVID is less than ten; probably about seven people. And of that small number only one died. She was OLD, OBESE, and DIABETIC. But perhaps if they had treated her with Ivermectin she might still be with us today. So, if this vaccine could have been available to us with the proper amount of testing, then I would say the elderly and vulnerable should be the ones to get it. I’ll risk catching COVID and gaining natural immunity rather than getting some rushed vaccine that is being tested out on all you guinea pigs out there. Nothing beats natural immunity! But if you want to get the vaccine then go get it. Just don’t demand that I get one, too. And if your vaccine works, then what are you worried about me for anyway?!?! Besides the fact that I am asthmatic and besides the fact that this mask wearing issue has caused me a great deal of anxiety (all which was discussed in that study), it’s my God-given right to breathe in as much oxygen as I want the way I want(WARNING:Lots of swearing in that video link, so if you are easily offended then don’t watch it). And that’s what I am now doing. So, if you are scared then stay home, because I’m no longer avoiding the stores.
Check out this YouTube channel, Front Line COVID-19 Critical Care Alliance – FLCCC. You’ll find success story after success story of miraculous recoveries due to Ivermectin. Hurry before YouTube cans them, too!
Ever watch a video back of yourself and realize you’re an ugly crier? (My amazing “cameo” can be seen at 1:42:50)
Ah hem . . . but seriously, this is a great ministry. I am grateful for this word from the Lord given to me on the eve of April 9th, Easter Sunday. What Pastor John said was spot on. I have been praying about this for quite some time along with prayer I received from a dear friend whilst fellowshipping in her living room.
This is a reminder and confirmation to me that God does indeed hear my prayers and knows what I need. I look forward to my life finally moving forward and seeing what kind of direction it takes as I continue to seek God and am led by the Holy Spirit.
I had lovely fellowship with two ladies following this meeting, but unfortunately we got cut off due to time restraints with Zoom Video. We did, however, correspond a few times via email. Perhaps I will talk about that and the conclusions I have arrived to since that last email communication (HINT: it has to do with speaking in tongues . . . sigh).
Why would twitter suspend someone from citing directly from the NCBI publication of this study; a government website? Why are they so desperate to keep YOU from even knowing that such a study exists?
UPDATE:
Apparently, Stanford University has disavowed this study. Too bad, because I think a general observation of how states with strict lockdowns and mandated mask wearing as opposed to states without these regulations plainly show what works and what doesn’t. The study just confirmed what we can see with our own eyes and it’s being demonized by all the main stream media outlets which tells me it’s definitely legit. But that’s just my opinion.
I’m tired of the misplaced outrage . . . read the rest of this update here . . .
My general, emotional state is quite heavy today. I’ve grown weary.
Last night I attended another miracle meeting on zoom and to my surprise, after waiting almost three and a half hours, I was located by the Holy Spirit. Unfortunately, my internet connection was terrible and I was unable to fully communicate with the Pastor and vice versa. I managed to explain how I finally understand the difference between receiving the Holy Spirit (when I first believed) and being baptized with the Holy Spirit (in order to be “clothed with power from on high.”) I said I NEED the baptism with the Holy Spirit and fire but I can’t help but feel that something is blocking my ability to receive this promise.
In response, Pastor Mark said he was seeing a boyfriend from my past who had issues with demons and passed one on to me (I’m paraphrasing). This spirit has hindered my life (clearly). I think if the connection had been running smoothly I would have been able to talk more freely with this pastor and answer him in a far more expansive way, but the connection kept breaking up. With a frozen screen, they proceeded to pray for me despite the lack of audio/video. He commanded the spirit to come out in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. I felt nothing, but I know that doesn’t mean nothing will happen.
As they were moving on to someone else he did hear me sobbing and said, “She must be experiencing the Holy Spirit.” I was actually crying out of a deep desperation and frustration for a word and guidance from the Lord. And I wanted to receive my baptism and deliverance but it didn’t happen…again. Stupid internet.
But maybe this is a good thing. Desperation is always helpful when truly seeking God for breakthrough.
I will not stop asking. I will not stop seeking. I shall persist until it is given me . . .
5Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose one of you goes to his friend at midnight and says, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread,6because a friend of mine has come to me on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him.’
7And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Do not bother me. My door is already shut, and my children and I are in bed. I cannot get up to give you anything.’
8I tell you, even though he will not get up to provide for him because of his friendship, yet because of the man’s persistence, he will get up and give him as much as he needs.
9So I tell you: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. 10For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
11What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”-Luke 11: 5-13
For some time now, I’ve questioned whether or not I need deliverance or if all my issues lie squarely with me. Is it, in fact, ALL ME? Or do my issues stem from something far deeper? I’m aware that we all have certain strongholds in our life we must pray and work through to overcome and I practice this daily. BUT, I also believe many of us require deliverance from unclean spirits that we don’t even know are there! I believe this because the other night was confirmation for me on this very matter.
You see, I “went” to another miracle meeting (2021 Miracle Meeting #4) via the zoom. They are hosted by Pastor Mark Hemans of Jesus Encounter Ministries and I’ve been following him for at least four years now. Ever since I came across one of his videos on YouTube, I’ve been a loyal follower. I was looking forward to going to a meeting in person, but the CCP Virus prevented Pastor Mark from traveling. So my planned attendance to a meeting in Connecticut for August of 2020 was canceled. Fortunately, for us, God is not limited by our earthly restrictions.
As I prepared for the online meeting, I made sure to write down what I wanted to say in case I was located by the Holy Spirit. But alas, I was never picked out of the crowd and decided that I should stay for the prayer group at the end. I have had a habit of leaving these meetings once they end, only wanting prayer from Pastor Mark. I know this attitude is wrong so, this time, I stayed despite the temptation to leave a couple of times; once when the main meeting ended and once while I was in the actual prayer room waiting for my turn.
By the time my name was called I felt sort of numb and hesitant to even speak. I managed to get out the meat of what I wanted to say. I mentioned how I wanted more from God. I said I wanted to be baptized in His Holy Spirit and His Fire. I want all and any gifts He wants to give me, but I’ve felt for quite some time that there is a sort of wall or barrier which prevents me from receiving.
The first thing the prayer helper (I think her name may have been Anna?) asked me was if I listened to worldly music.
“No. Not at all,” I immediately replied.
Then she suggested that maybe it’s a lack of faith or unbelief because God doesn’t withhold His gifts from us, we just don’t receive them. DUH, I thought to myself, feeling a bit annoyed. I had already stated that I was having trouble receiving. And I regularly ask the Lord to show me if I have any unbelief or doubt unbeknownst to me and, if so, to please forgive me and help me.
She then proceeded to explain how we need to diligently seek God. While she was speaking my head steadily shook no as I visualized the handwritten scripture of Hebrews 11:6 pinned to my bathroom wall.
Surely the irritation was becoming visible upon my face. At this point I’m wondering if this lady can even hear from the Holy Spirit or is she just going down a presupposed list?
Tears began to materialize out of frustration. That’s when I do believe she stopped throwing out suggestions and began rebuking something to come out of me. I then felt it manifest. I’d seen this plenty of times in the ministry videos but now I was personally experiencing it. With my eyes firmly clenched shut, I felt as though my neck were trying to compress into itself. It became quite tense and felt thick like a tree stump. I could feel a distinct pressure building directly underneath my jawline on each side of my neck. And at one point I swear my eyes became like slits and my tongue began to slightly protrude from my mouth in a pointy, serpent-like manner as I let out an involuntary, growly groan. I wish I could clarify all of this by watching the video back, but unfortunately it was not recorded and archived for my viewing pleasure. Whatever the case, at a certain point it did feel as though something had manifested in my face and whatever it was, it most certainly was not me. (I would also like to note that my hands, especially my left one, was curling in at the wrist while my middle or forefinger had firmly pressed itself against my thumb.) I soon felt the urge to cough, so I did. (I already knew about the different ways a demon can leave the body when commanded.) The prayer helper told me to cough some more, so I did. She then asked me how I felt, so I told her about the pressure and she said it was a spirit.
I think they all (everyone in the group) expected me to be able to speak in tongues after that and I felt a bit pressured to try. So, despite feeling self-conscious and to be honest, a bit cynical and annoyed since I’ve been down this road before, I stepped out in faith by opening my mouth and giving a lame “la, la, la” effort in hopes my speech would turn “heavenly.” That didn’t happen.
I’ve pondered a bit on the feelings I experienced amidst this prayer session; the feelings of annoyance, irritation and cynicism. Were those feelings even mine? (Well, the cynicism is all mine. It took me years to develop that kind of distrust due to repeated failed attempts at speaking in tongues, public and private.) Or are my feelings and emotions being influenced by these unclean spirits that have apparently taken up residence within the deep caverns of my body and soul? I’m sure they didn’t want me to receive prayer which is why I felt tempted to leave more than once. And how long have they been there? And why? What was the root cause which permitted them to enter? When did they enter?!? Who are they? A spirit of rejection, perhaps? Fear? Self-hatred? These are all questions I have, but no answers were offered.
But I digress . . .
So, as my head is turning from side to side in a steady ‘NO’ gesture whilst attempting to “activate” the gift of tongues by speaking a few “la la la’s,” the feelings of annoyance and frustration became stronger. That’s when the lady started commanding another spirit to come out from wherever it was hiding. I, myself, even tried commanding it to leave by tearfully yelling, “Get out of me in the name of Jesus!” But this thing wasn’t leaving and I think she needed to move on to others still waiting in the prayer room. She ended our time by saying how she believed my deliverance would continue throughout the night. I might even feel the need to throw up later, she said. So, out of faith, I agreed with her and stated that I believe this to be true.
I never got sick that night; never felt the urge to throw up, as she had suggested. Never felt anything else try to leave my body. But I did feel weird waves of a pins-and-needles type sensation in my left leg as I lay in bed that night. I have felt this sensation many a time before, but always chalked it up to some odd, bodily fluke. But that pressure I felt in my neck had an eerily similar sensation. So now I’ve ascertained this feeling to be a manifestation, not some bodily-function anomaly. At least now I’m aware of what it truly is. (I’m sure that must piss this “thing” off since it/they seem to prefer to remain hidden.) I suppose I could be wrong and it’s just chills I’m feeling (but it happens a lot). . . Either that or I’m just plain crazy, but I don’t think so.
So, I’m thinking I still need deliverance; I’m not convinced they have all “left the building.” Not to mention that the very next day I felt worse than ever; that heavy, oppressed feeling I’d been carrying around had not left and I felt as though I were in a haze all day. I also think the asthma I struggle with (among other ailments) is connected as well. I’m praying the Lord will finish this work He has begun in me so that I can continue on in my walk, stronger and more confident than ever before. I want to be able to help others receive deliverance, healing, and freedom from the enemy, but it must first start with me.
These new ‘Holiday Celebration’ guidelines from the CDC are nothing but a bunch of BS, not to mention contradictory with the ‘Current Best Estimate Infection Fatality Ratio’ found on the CDC website . . .
This JP Sears video is no longer available because . . . you know . . . censorship.
Go enjoy Thanksgiving with your family. You’ll all be just fine. I for one am going to be with my father-in-law who is at home, dying of terminal cancer. It’s bad enough we won’t be able to have a proper wake and funeral because of these absolutely ridiculous restraints on our God-given rights. But no one is going to tell me who I can and cannot hug (not even my sister-in-law)! They can take their six feet and do you know what with it. No one has the right to tell me how to live.
Dictator oops I mean Governor no I mean Dictator Cuomo has announced new restrictions concerning New Yorkers. Just wondering, if anyone has more than ten people over will the Gestapo kick in their door? There’s no way in hell some over-reaching, contradictory, hypocritical, power grabbing authoritarian (who is responsible for over 11,000 nursing home deaths and just happens to have a new book out patting himself on the back about how well he handled the COVID) should even be in office! He and Governor Newsom must hang out. . . . And don’t get me started on Dr. Fauci, just take a look for yourself; don’t have time to read all that? Then here’s a video nutshell version for you . . .
Fear is a powerful tool. They’ve been telling us for months and months to be ready for a “second wave.” Even Biden said during a debate that we were going to have a “dark winter.” How come? And what kind of crystal ball does he have anyway?!?! Hmmm….Could it possibly be a good distraction from an ongoing election that ISN’T OVER?!?! The controlled mainstream media would much rather focus on a sudden “new wave of COVID” which just happens to coincide with an ongoing election that AIN’T OVER, than discuss wide-spread election fraud which is being exposed more and more each day.
The mainstream media is LYING TO US. Their job is to tell we-the-people how to think by the way they censor and spin the truth. They are master manipulators. Don’t allow them to keep you in a constant state of fear. That’s what they want and so far, judging by a lot of the comments I see, it’s working. It’s actually scary how easy it has been for them to control the majority of the population. That’s how freedoms are lost. Between the blatant violations of freedom of speech by big tech censorship and the new cancel culture, well, it’s looking more and more like communist China than the USA. If America falls, that’s all folks.
Let us not forget (at the risk of sounding crazy to many) that October 31st is one of the many nights on the Satanic Ritual Calendar for human sacrifices. Halloween is considered by the occult to be a major Satanic holiday. This particular night on our calendar, in itself, isn’t evil; it’s that which goes on this night that is evil. People don’t want to talk about it or even consider this reality, but it doesn’t change the fact that many will lose their life this night; including CHILDREN.
I have a friend who was a victim of SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) as a child and I think everyone should keep in mind that many suffer at the hands of the occult (not just on Halloween but throughout the year.) But for Halloween night in particular, I’ve often pondered over what might be happening in the spiritual realm when so many around the world are “innocently” participating along with those who hate God. Does this participation in some way contribute and fuel the unseen powers and principalities spoken of in Ephesians? Do our justifications and reasonings exempt our willful actions from having any sort of contribution or are we in fact unconsciously feeding into this worldwide ritual?
If there are those who gather to deliberately participate in evil this night, shouldn’t that be all the more reason for the church to gather together and pray against this evil instead of being a part of it? I suppose if one has peace in their own heart to participate in a night that glorifies evil (because ghouls and goblins and bloody corpses certainly aren’t holy) then that’s between them and God, but in my opinion we’re nor glorifying the Lord by participating no matter how trivial or harmless we may think it is. No matter how watered down society makes it, this holiday is dedicated to the darkness, not God’s truth and light.
There was a time when I too joined in, but the more I learned the more conviction I felt, so I prefer to be set apart from it . . .
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.”-Romans 12:2
But that’s just me . . . The Lord is the ultimate judge, not me! As believers we all need to walk according to our own convictions, always being sure to follow the Spirit’s leading and to listen and obey when He speaks.
I recently delved into my own little bible study on the assurance of our salvation. Because of this, I have never felt better or more secure about my salvation and I finally get it! I know who I am in Christ! This has been a request of mine to the Lord for a very long time; to understand who I am in Christ. It’s one thing to “know,” but a whole other thing to “get it.”
My research came about due to a video I saw on YouTube. This need to understand God’s promised assurance of my salvation was sparked by a couple of people in the comments telling me I would have gone to hell due to sin, despite already being saved previously. They are from a particular ministry overseas and I do believe they are misguiding fellow Christians due to their own misunderstanding. (For more context on where I’m coming from and to read the YouTube conversation, click here.)
So . . . since I finally “got it” (because of my seeking) more and more has become clear to me. Scripture I’ve read many times before now has new understanding to my spirit. Scripture that certain people use to assure me that I wasn’t saved during a particular time in my adult life, in all actuality, assures me that I was! Take Matthew 7:23 for example…
“Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you workers of lawlessness!’”
Jesus said, “I NEVER knew you.” Key word being NEVER. The people Jesus is speaking of in that verse never belonged to him; only by outward appearance did they seem to be His followers. When I asked Jesus to come into my heart (Hey! Don’t skip over that link!) in the purest and most sincerest of ways . . . HE DID. I was sealed with the Holy Spirit and became a child of God instantaneously. I was His. He knew me. I was sealed with a secure guarantee!
“And in Him, having heard and believed the word of truth—the gospel of your salvation—you were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the pledge of our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession, to the praise of His glory.” -Ephesians 1:13-14
“…placed His seal on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a pledge of what is to come.” -2 Corinthians 1:22
There are particular Christians who try to tell me that, as Christians, we must live HOLY lives. If we choose to sin (whether they mean only “habitual” sin or any kind of sin is not clear) we lose our salvation because we have “backslidden.” They say that when I finally repented of a particular sin I had been struggling with for a period of time, that’s when I came “back” to the Lord and once again regained my gift of salvation. Can you believe that?!?! They are teaching a conditional salvation that completely flies in the face of what Jesus Christ did for us on that cross! It’s a work based theology, but scripture tells us our works have nothing to do with it . . .
“For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not from yourselves; it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast.” -Ephesians 2:8-9
As such a small child receiving salvation before ANY knowledge of how to live a “holy” life, how on earth could the Lord then REVOKE this gift of salvation because I sinned soon after?!?! I was NINE!! Are these people seriously trying to tell me that I would have almost immediately lost this gift of salvation before I ever even got started?!?! It’s called a gift for a reason, y’all. Get that? It’s a GIFT. Jesus doesn’t then take it back because we can’t live a perfect life; He knows we can’t be perfect. If we could only receive salvation by works we would never be saved . . .
“. . . So this is the principle I have discovered: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law. But I see another law at work in my body, warring against the law of my mind and holding me captive to the law of sin that dwells within me.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord! . . .” -Romans 7:21-24
Oh thank God, now that we are adopted in as His children we are under His amazing grace and mercy! Now that we are WASHED in His blood, we are cleansed now and continually of all sin. Our godly sorrow and sincere repentance when we do mess up (and we will!) are evidence that we truly belong to Him.
“…And this righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” -Romans 3:22-24
The more I meditate on what the spilled blood of Jesus Christ means for all who believe, the more troubled I feel over the thought of well-meaning believers not understanding the power of the blood and therefore teaching a falsity; a sense of despair and hopelessness is sure to follow. They are basically saying that His blood only covers you so much which, to me, is a direct insult to the Lord Himself. It discredits all that He went through FOR US. My goodness, if His blood doesn’t really cover you once you truly and sincerely believe in Him, then what did He do it for?!?!? If by stumbling in sin after we become born again we can then lose such a precious gift, why on Earth would He put Himself through all of that brutally horrendous suffering? For what?!?! If His sacrifice can only take us so far in our walk then WHY DO IT? . . . No, No . . . there is POWER in His blood.
“…For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life you inherited from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or spot.” -1 Peter 1:18-19
We know that what happened on Calvary doesn’t give us a license to sin. A true believer doesn’t take on such an advantageous attitude but has a humble spirit and truly grieves with a godly sorrow only a believer in Christ could feel whenever we stumble and fall. For all who truly believe, forgiveness is granted to those who now walk in His grace and mercy; to those who walk in the light . . .
“…But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” -1 John 1:7
“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate before the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.” -1 John 2:1
It’s BECAUSE we are not able to live perfect lives that He laid down His life for us. The whole point of the law was to show us that no matter how hard we try, we can never live up to it. That’s why we need a Savior; someone to stand in the gap for us.
“For the law is only a shadow of the good things to come, not the realities themselves. It can never, by the same sacrifices offered year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would not the offerings have ceased? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt the guilt of their sins.
Instead, those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins, because it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. Therefore, when Christ came into the world, He said:
“Sacrifice and offering You did not desire,
but a body You prepared for Me.
In burnt offerings and sin offerings
You took no delight.
Then I said, ‘Here I am, it is written about Me in the scroll:
I have come to do Your will, O God.’”
In the passage above He says, “Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings You did not desire, nor did You delight in them” (although they are offered according to the law). Then He adds, “Here I am, I have come to do Your will.” He takes away the first to establish the second. And by that will, we have been sanctified through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.” -Hebrews 10:1-10
Jesus’ sacrifice was once and for all! He was the only one qualified for the job! He was the perfect lamb; the perfect and ultimate sacrifice. Hallelujah!
Before I truly understood the weight of what the cross signifies, I beat myself up continuously for not being a “good enough Christian.” If only I had understood who I was in Christ, I wouldn’t have had to torment myself over all my failures. But now I can rest in this new understanding. I have peace.
” . . . Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For in Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set you free from the law of sin and death.” -Romans 8:1-2
Thirty-six years after being born again I finally understand that as I walk in the light the blood of Jesus cleanses me NOW and CONTINUALLY of all sin! I am covered by the blood He shed for me and I thank the Lord that He is right there with me every step of the way. . . I love this promise . . .
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” -Philippians 1:5-6
I know there seems to be a lot of verses in scripture that, when read at face value or out of context, indicate that if we do not live a perfect and holy life we will not make it in the end. And, unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there using scripture in this way to prove that we can lose our salvation, but you have to dig deeper. Seek God in these matters; don’t just take their word for it. We must weigh all scripture and discern (through prayer and study) what it all means when put together. One passage of scripture cannot cancel out another; if it seems that way then it only means we are missing something. Yes, we must do our best to live according to the will of the Father, but thank God for His grace and mercy when we should fall.
Remember, Jesus loses not one of His sheep; those who are sent to Him. Our sanctification is a life long process and not one of us will be perfect until our death or Christ’s return, whichever comes first. (When I speak of perfection I don’t mean being perfect as God is perfect. We’ll never be God! It just means having reached its end; complete. And we will be without sin!) Our inheritance is indestructible and KEPT in heaven for us! It is protected byGOD’S POWER, not our own! . . .
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you,who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” -1 Peter 1:3-5
Before I close and share some proclamations with you, I just want to add one more thought . . . In 2 Peter 1: 3-11, we are reminded as born-again-believers to not rely on our faith alone (which is how we received our guaranteed salvation) but to supplement it with intentionality because when we strive towards godliness it’s then that we can be the best representatives possible for the kingdom of Jesus Christ. Verses 9 and 10 speak of how we can, in fact, go through this earthly life possessing our guaranteed salvation yet not fully living IN IT because of a failure to INTENTIONALLY PRACTICE a life of obedience. We can fall as believers, but that doesn’t mean we lose our salvation. It only means we suffer the consequences due to our own disobedience or lack of understanding of who we truly are in Christ. When we are diligent in “practicing these qualities” as stated in verse 10, we continually confirm for ourselves the truth of our salvation and, in turn, gain a greater assurance of it (in my humble opinion.) So, when the time comes for us to enter into the eternal kingdom . . . if we choose to live a life in alignment to the Father’s will . . . we can expect an especially rich welcome when we arrive!!
“3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,4 by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.5 For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge,6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness,7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.8 For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.9 For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.10 Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.11 For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” –2 Peter 1:3-11
Below are scripture-based proclamations I learned from the teachings of Derek Prince. I memorized them and have been declaring them out loud for quite some time. I highly recommend you do the same. I can’t help but think that by exclaiming these words of truth OUT LOUD, despite not truly grasping them, revelation had no choice but to become reality. Through my diligence and faith He met me. And now the devil and his minions know that I believe and understand what I am saying and they HATE to hear it! I am sure they feel actual pain at the sound of God’s powerful truth exiting my mouth (Jesus is the Word, after all) and have no choice but to flee! Give it a try! . . .
Through the blood of Jesus ALL my sins are forgiven . . .
Through the blood of Jesus I am redeemed out of the hand of Satan . . .
Through the blood of Jesus I am sanctified, made holy, set apart to God . . .
As I walk in the light, the blood of Jesus is cleansing me NOW and CONTINUALLY from ALL sin . . .
The devil has no place in me, no power over me, no unsettled claims against me. ALL has been settled by the blood of Jesus.
And now when I sing along to this worship music, the words penetrate deep into my soul because I have a true understanding of what they mean. I believe what I am singing! Hallelujah!!!
I would say I have a lot of character flaws. Yesterday I became aware of something new to add to the list and I’ve been crying about it ever since.
I’ve known for some time about my inability (or unwillingness?) to control my emotions. I tend to let them dictate how I react to people instead of, firstly, getting them in check. I’ve gotten better about it when wanting to respond to someone online, but that’s way easier. Before choosing to respond, you can simply step away from the computer for as long as you want in order to gain a calmer and more rational and loving perspective. But, being in the actual moment and presence of others is a completely different story!
So, this new self-revelation I received may not be quite that new after all, but it is something I now have a better descriptive word for and a deeper conviction over. . .
Tolerance…
or lack thereof, I should say.
I lack tolerance for people.
There. I said it.
Usually when you hear of intolerance you think of a left-wing or right-wing thing, especially in this current climate we now find ourselves in. But really, it’s a human thing. It’s a sin thing.
For me, when someone starts saying something that I find ridiculous, insulting, offensive, untrue…my innards get twisted and SOMETIMES I respond in a way I usually tend to regret. And not just in conversation but also when someone is behaving in a way I find disrespectful.
For example, when neighbors were lighting off extremely loud fireworks (and it wasn’t the 4th of July yet) for an hour I became infuriated because, not only did it shake my house, but my animals were freaking out. They heard me across the street expressing my disapproval (and perhaps I wanted them to). I was embarrassed when I found out they had heard me. Rick wasn’t too pleased either since he’s friends with them. I have since apologized and they apologized as well. All is well but I feel the damage has been done (on my part). Not a very good first impression since I hadn’t technically met them yet.
And that’s just ONE example of my intolerance. Another example? Irritation over the fact that my new neighbor’s son keeps putting car parts on top of this newly sprouting lilac tree which had been cut down after the prior owner was evicted. I wanted it to be left alone to grow once again to it’s towering stature of privacy and sweet perfumes. (Our houses are so close they practically touch.) I miss its cascading branches that once swept the edges of my first level rooftop which meets my second story kitchen window. It’s not even on my property but I get pissed every time I see something new on top of this plant!!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! Yeah, sounds like I have a case of self-righteousness, doesn’t it?
I’m sure there are times when speaking out against something is appropriate, but in my case…nope. Let’s take yesterday, for example. My sister-in-law started saying things I strongly disagree with so I got up and went into the other room in a feeble attempt to avoid responding. Problem is, I could still hear her. She was speaking out such negativity toward my husband that I could feel myself becoming enraged. Never even mind what she was saying about cholesterol and heart attacks (all misinformation, by the way), but when she started telling Rick they should both get tested for Alzheimer’s because of their MS; that they both “probably have” Alzheimer’s . . . that’s when I begged Rick for us to leave. I couldn’t take it. Not sure what she said from the other room at that point but whatever it was it led me to exclaim loudly that I don’t need to hear about how my husband probably has Alzheimer’s.
“I have enough shit to deal with.”
“LIKE WHAT?!” she responded.
To that I scoffed to which she laughed.
“Life can’t always be roses,” she said.
“No shit!”
I thought about her “LIKE WHAT?!” question. I was insulted by it. Offended. Especially since she doesn’t even know anything about my life or what our struggles have been or still are. It felt as though she were implying I have a care-free life. Yes, I don’t have a whole lot of responsibilities at the moment, but that in it itself is a weight for many reasons; none of which I care to get into. It’s a sore spot for me and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t understand anyway.
When I said I have a lot of shit to deal with, I simply meant I didn’t need unnecessary worries added to my life, to OUR life. I probably should have said RICK doesn’t need more shit to worry about (well, I shouldn’t have said anything . . . I think we established that already). He’s got enough stress on him as it is with work, finances, and his health. She doesn’t see any of that. Yes, it is fortunate that I do not have to look after both my parents like she is currently doing. I understand that. She has a lot on her plate right now between a full time job and having to help out her parents and perhaps that is where her mind was at when she called me out with that response.
But why did I get so angry in the first place? I’ve been thinking about this very question a lot. Why did her words toward Rick anger me so deeply? It’s because it felt as though she was declaring that she and Rick both indeedily-doo have Alzheimer’s. No, life can’t always be roses, but there’s no need to unnecessarily add new issues to an already boiling pot. There’s no need to create new worries that are probably all for naught.
She likes to project such negativity onto others. It felt like she was actually cursing him and herself with this declaration and every fiber of my being needed to reject this evil. Of course, I don’t think she was trying to be mean or hurtful. This is just how she is and most people (especially those with no faith) do not understand the power that mere words can have . . .especially in the spiritual realm. But I think it triggered something deep within me that I just couldn’t (okay, wouldn’t) ignore. I chose to react . . . poorly. I wish I had remembered to rely on the Lord FIRST and then think of how to point out what I was sensing in the spirit in a loving manner (but only if Holy Spirit was guiding me to do so). Otherwise, I should have just kept my big mouth shut.
What’s really terrible is that we went down there to visit Rick’s mom and dad because they are both struggling. His mom, Linda, has dementia and it’s been getting worse. And she falls a lot (I guess she has had several mini strokes from what I overheard Cathy telling Linda in the other room) and can’t do basic things for herself anymore. Charlie, Rick’s dad, just had his bladder removed and is recovering at home. He’s been very emotional and cries a lot. So I wanted this visit to be pleasant and I tried to prep myself before we left. I knew going in that I needed to keep myself in check around her. I knew there was a good chance she would say extremely negative and even insensitive things.
I KNEW THIS.
But I still failed to control myself. I failed miserably. So, once again, I fell extremely short of “being the light.” I didn’t keep my emotions in check and instead allowed myself to reach a boiling point. It may sound worse than it actually was, from my description. I couldn’t actually see Cathy from the other room. And it wasn’t like a screaming match or anything. But it was clear I was angry and I needed to get out of there.
I said my goodbyes to Charlie as he lay on the couch and he started to cry again as I encouraged him and told him he’d be up and running around again in no time. I grabbed my bag from the kitchen where Cathy and Linda were seated and said a long distance “Goodbye guys . . . love you” and we were off.
I immediately regretted getting so heated. I needed to fix it; I just wanted to make it right. About five minutes into the drive I tried calling Cathy’s cell phone. But, of course, she wouldn’t answer so I had to apologize to her voicemail. With a teary, shaky voice I simply said I was sorry for getting so upset . . . even threw in a “love you,” at the end. She never responded, but at least I tried. I apologized to Rick, too. Then I think I continued to cry for the first one and a half hours of the two hour drive back home. I was angry with myself for my lack of self-control and proceeded to beat myself up over it for the rest of the night.
I have felt for sometime that my heart has hardened over the years. And now with this lack of tolerance comes an inability to love as I should. I don’t want to be this way! This is a problem I cannot fix on my own; only the Lord can help me. I have prayed over this many times; I have prayed for God to “change my heart because I can’t.” I’ve also, from time to time, asked the Lord to show me anything in me that I’m not aware of so that I can repent of it and make it right.
Well . . .
Yesterday He did that for me. And I’ve been lamenting ever since. But I am grateful for this new pin-pointed awareness of my intolerance towards others (eesh, I hate saying it). Now I can pray on it specifically. I can work on my own self-control and God can work on softening my heart. Together we can beat this!
It would be worse to never know where I lack. It would be terrible to never improve because I can’t see where I need improvement. I don’t want to stay in the same place and never progress spiritually. I long to produce good fruit so I know this pruning is extremely necessary. And when my innards no longer get all twisted when I hear something I disagree with, well, that’s when I know this stronghold has been defeated.
I had a lot of dreams last night (well, this morning really) but this particular dream stood out from the others and I do believe it was from God.
I was touring an old house. Much of it had been restored and renovated and I loved the look and feel of the place. I soon came to a section that hadn’t been touched yet. I think the people who owned it intended to eventually turn this section into a separate apartment. There were no doors closing it off to the rest of the house so I walked right in. The main room in which I first stood had natural light streaming through a small window in the upper right-hand corner which provided a decent amount of illumination for my viewing pleasure.
As I admired the layout and architecture of this old space, evidence shown the passage of many decades devoid of any human presence. It was like standing inside a time capsule. I ventured left to see more. I walked through an open doorway into a much smaller, much darker room. It’s possible this room could have been a makeshift kitchen, but I’m not certain. Due to the lack of windows in this tiny area, it appeared even more decrepit. This place definitely needed lots of work, but I was loving everything about it. I quite love the look and feel of century old houses and enjoy visualizing new possibilities. Despite being so run down, I still saw its potential and unique charm.
I was eager to keep exploring so, since there was nothing more to see in this direction, I doubled back. But to my surprise, when I turned around, I found what was once a doorway to now be a wall.
I couldn’t believe it!
And it looked like it had always been there, too. Adorned with a stylized wallpaper, dark orangy-peach in color, this once fancy wall, now old and worn from times past, had some sort of raised, bead-like texture to it. I could feel its bumpy pattern underneath the palms of my hands. Out of frustration I immediately began to pound against it with my fists.
The way by which I had entered was now completely sealed off. I instantly knew it was the devil blocking my way; I knew it was that spiritual barrier I have been so aware of, still keeping me from accessing what is mine. As I beat this wall with everything I had, demanding it come down in the name of Jesus, nothing worked. Then a violent blast of air blew us outside of the house. (I say “us” because there was someone else with me, but I have no idea who.) This warm surge of air was thick and heavy and persistent. I remember trying to walk against it in order to stay inside, but to no avail. Intentions of this evil current were obvious; it wanted me out.
I now found myself sitting on the pavement, forced onto my butt by this unseen enemy. I could see a doorway to get back inside and I tried with all my might to get up but this force was too powerful and strong. I couldn’t fight against it. I knew it was demonic and I found myself pondering over whether it would effect me in some negative way.
“Had demons now been able to enter me because this invisible yet extremely palpable wind had overpowered my physical body?”
As I was thinking to myself about these things I sensed another presence. I looked up to see an old woman standing next to me. She was relatively plump and had gray hair (on the darker side) about mid-neck in length, neatly brushed away from the face with the bottom appearing a bit weighty and curled inward. She was wearing some sort of dark green poncho and held a walking stick. What struck me was her stance. She stood there with such confidence, chin pointed slightly upward. When I looked into her eyes I instantly knew who she was, an angel in disguise. Without breaking eye contact I asked her,
“Will I be okay?”
Without skipping a beat, she looked right at me with the kindest of blue eyes and said most assuredly,
“Yes. You will be okay.”
I then thought that maybe she could be one of the old women whom I adored as a small child during my days of being babysat on a small, family-run farm (even though I had already established this being to be an angel and who looked nothing like her). So I jumped up and hugged her out of joy for this possible reunion. But I don’t know if that part is significant. I tend to think not.
I watched a really interesting video last night. A group of American frontline doctors were speaking out about corona virus and the amazing benefits of hydroxychloroquine. I found one of the doctors, Dr. Stella Immanuel, to be quite passionate when sharing her personal experiences in caring for hundreds of patients. She explained how patients would come in terrified, unable to breath and convinced they were doomed to die. After reassuring them that they would surely live, she would then proceed with a treatment of hydroxychloroquine, zinc and Zithromax. Out of the over 350 patients she has treated for COVID-19 thus far, ALL have fully recovered.
ALL OF THEM.
Didn’t matter whether they had diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, or old age. They all recovered.
This group of doctors explained why the hydroxychloroquine studies claiming this drug is dangerous and doesn’t work are because these studies used toxic doses which resulted in toxic outcomes, obviously. Only two very small doses are required to treat this virus, along with zinc. This medication is very safe and has been used for decades. (And by the way, you should all be pissed that this drug was taken away from you; all because President Trump supported it. Yes, ‘they’ hate him so much that they would rather let YOU die than allow you a life saving drug. Let that sink into your noggin’ for just a second.)
In this press conference video, these doctors covered a few different talking points. They explained why the numbers we are being given aren’t reliable. They talked about how there hasn’t been one case WORLDWIDE of a student transmitting this virus to a teacher. They explained how the mainstream media is only giving us one perspective which is fueling a never-ending fear onto the public.
So, I just tried to find this video I watched last night only to discover it to be GONE from YouTube.
CENSORED.
I guess it has been scrubbed from Facebook and Twitter, as well. This should infuriate everyone! They don’t think we have the ability to think for ourselves? These were real doctors giving real facts. But they’re the minority you say? You’ve never heard of them you say? So what. In this cancel culture we now live in I applaud these brave doctors for speaking out. They’re risking their livelihoods to tell us the truth.
And speaking of ‘cancel culture,’
here is an interview from April 7, with Sen. Dr. Jensen sharing how he had received a 7 page document from the MN Department of Healthdoctors, coaching him on how to fill out death certificates…
He said, “A couple of people complained and I don’t get to know who those people are,” and then elaborated on how easy it is to anonymously file a complaint to the board. Why has it become so easy to destroy a man’s life by the stroke of a few keys? Why does the minority seem to have all the power? What’s with the censorship occurring at an all time high against freedom of speech? Facebook, YouTube, Twitter; “they” get to decide FOR us instead of us deciding for ourselves what is accurate and true. I find that rather Orwellian, not to mention insulting!
The good senator stated in that news interview, “It’s a mild disease in 90% of the people” and he also said (which I strongly agree with),
“Fear is a great way to control people.”
WARNING: Rant approaching…
This virus has been politicized from day one and is being used to force mandates that don’t coincide with the reality of facts. Yes, I actually DO care about facts. And I care even more when facts are twisted and manipulated and then spewed back out to a mind-numbingly compliant public. I mean, really?!?! Wake up! The media wants to keep drilling into your head that cases are going up so you remain fearful. The majority of these cases are asymptomatic. But what the public hears is, “MORE CASES! MORE CASES!” which leads to intended assumptions that all these diagnoses mean that all these people are all terribly sick. Why? Because the media doesn’t mention that these cases are actually evidence of herd immunity (which is what we want) and that the death rate continues to go DOWN. Also, take a look at the actual number of hospitalizations compared to the population number, PLEEEEASE (and I’m talking about actual COVID-19 cases, not the hospitalization overflow now occurring due to the back-up of elective procedures and surgeries from the quarantine and fear). Odds say YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE. Facts and data tell us there is prevention and curable treatment. This is good news! Yet they want to NOW implement mandatory face masks?!?!
WHY NOW?
Why not back in February or March?!? THINK ABOUT IT!
Oh, and speaking of back in March, Dr. Fauci was on record saying that masks don’t really protect you from an outbreak and only give you a false sense of security…
Later, he changed his tune and started advocating for everyone to wear masks. So what changed within the span of his life long career of professional expertise and the two months from his initial statement? His reasoning for not telling the public to wear masks, at that time, was because there was a shortage of masks for the medical professionals. If that was the case, why didn’t he simply suggest we make our own masks (like they do now) instead of saying they aren’t necessary? Doesn’t that show a willingness to put the public at risk if in fact masks DO protect us like he is NOW saying?!?!
It doesn’t make sense.
This whole mask thing has gotten way out of control. Do you see how CRAZY people have become over masks?!?! The data shows that if you are generally healthy, under the age of 65 and have no underlying medical conditions, your 0.4% chance of death hardly constitutes for your virtue signaling when you see a ‘fresh-air breather’ in a store (don’t be a maskhole.) And it hardly constitutes these prolonged/repeated shutdowns and forceful mandates. It seems to me that more people are suffering and dying from the consequences due to this shutdown than to this virus. Unemployment, domestic abuse, suicide, dying at home because they were too afraid to go to the hospital…the list goes on and on. (If you have lost friends and family due to this virus I am truly sorry; my condolences go out to you. But these deaths are still in the minority; that’s not to say their death is any less tragic, of course.)
My mask-free face will not kill you, so please stop telling me I’m irresponsible and putting your life in danger.
I’M NOT.
If you feel better wearing a mask that’s fine, but considering how much this threat has been overblown, it just shouldn’t be FORCED upon everyone else; especially in the USA. Citations and arrests are taking place OVER MASKS! What the hell kind of world are we living in?!?!? These mask mandates are nothing more than a warm-up (a test-run, if you will) to see how easy it will be to control the masses; here and abroad (Ummmm, looks like it won’t be too hard!)
You think because we live in America we don’t have to worry about losing our freedoms? Because what I’m seeing is an intertwining of this virus with our loss of rights. The loss of our freedoms have been occurring slow and steady, incrementally over time. And this virus has become an opportunity to pick up that pace. That’s what my opened eyes are witnessing anyway. People have been quick to obey out of fear. A two week quarantine would have been understandable, MAYBE four; but what has occurred is mind blowing to me. Yes, MIND BLOWING. It’s mind blowing to see people OUTSIDE, by themselves, wearing masks. It’s mind blowing to see people driving in their cars, ALONE, wearing a mask! Good luck to them and the suppression of their own beautifully and divinely designed immune system.
On top of being surrounded by masked, expressionless faces everywhere I go, now anarchy has been thrown into the mix. It’s absolutely ridiculous! Mayhem has become our new world in many parts of the country (all democratic run cities, by the way) and I hate it. And all this just happens to be occurring during one of the most important election cycles in our history…hmmmm.
Deep breath…
Okay, (rant sort of over) back to the ‘America’s Frontline Doctors’ press conference video.
Apparently, our president must have seen this very video and shared it so, of course, it has been removed. But this virus isn’t being politicized, right? (yes, that was sarcasm) They are censoring the president of the United States of America! People need to start getting angry at the right people and stop listening to the one narrative being peddled by the mainstream media. You need to get angry at the democratic “leaders” who are allowing their cities to be destroyed (check out the #walkaway campaign to see why people are leaving the democratic party in droves.) Where’s the outrage against Gov. Cuomo for sending COVID patients to nursing homes?!? Where’s your outrage against BLM NOT being outraged over the murders of black on black crime happening in Chicago? Where’s this marxist organization’s outrage over the millions of aborted black babies? It’s pretty obvious only SOME black lives matter to them…NOT ALL. You need to start asking the right questions to the right people.
If you want to say that I only listen to “alternative facts” (even though those two words together make absolutely zero sense) that’s your prerogative. You wanna call me names like “chucklehead” (yes, a blogger actually referred to those of us who disagree as chuckleheads; could have been worse, I guess) because I happen to think this new mask wearing culture is a load of hooey? Go right ahead. I know I can’t convince you of anything. And despite what you may think, I AM about the science and the data. I DO believe in facts and they clearly tell me that I’m NOT going to die. I am well aware of how deep corruption goes and mainstream media is NOT telling us the truth. I believe we have the right to discern for ourselves and I refuse for any of this crap to ever become my “new normal.”
As far as the politicizing goes, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens after November 3rd.
Oh, and by the way, I ended up finding the video! It’s on the Breitbart website, a news network which has been greatly suppressed from Google search since the 2016 election; MORE CENSORSHIP. You can watch it here…
Life is a series of first times…Firstword, first steps, first day of school, first kiss (eesh…wish I could forget that one…so gross), first time you have…yeah, wish I could forget that too. But how about your first regret? Do you remember yours? Do you even have one? Well, I do.
I can still see those giant blue eyes peering back at me, magnified by the thick lenses of her glasses. She had been leaning against the back of my seat (unbeknownst to me) with both arms sort of hugging the top of the headrest. Her two hands were pressed flatly together, serving as a restful spot for her chin whilst creating the perfect eavesdropping position. Quiet as a mouse, she hadn’t been but a foot away from me as I spoke ill of her.
“I don’t like her,” I stated to a fellow classmate as we waited for everyone to finish loading and boarding the bus.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t.”
Ever experience that awkward moment when you suddenly sense the person you are talking about is right behind you? Yeah, I must have felt her presence because when I turned around there she was, listening intently. Caught in my sin, I did nothing. I said nothing. I simply turned back around to fester in my now defiled seat of shame. As I processed what I had just done, I glanced behind me to see poor little Joanna, now several seats back, sobbing uncontrollably. I could see the enormous teardrops cascading down her cheeks, one right after the other. And despite the presence of others on board, I had never seen someone look more alone. My innards were gripped with fear when I noticed one of the popular girls asking my now red and puffy faced victim what was wrong.
“This is it. I’m about to be found out. Utterly outed. Everyone will soon know that I’m the reason she’s crying.”
Impending doom enveloped me like a thick, wet blanket as I waited for my public shaming; but Joanna never said a word. She couldn’t. She was too busy struggling to breath in between deep guttural sobs of heartache. To say I felt like a heel would be an understatement.
This should have been a happy time. We were finally about to head back home following a week of outdoor adventure. This trip to Bryant Pond, Maine took place every year and was a highly anticipated tradition for all sixth graders. It was a chance to learn all about plants and animals; to experience nature at its finest, up close and personal, rain or shine. It was also, for many of us, a ‘first time’ being away from home.
We slept in cabinesque dormitories (one for girls and one for boys). We gathered in Roger’s Hall for meals, classes and entertainment. We climbed Mount Christopher and enjoyed amazing views of the lake below. Along that hike we had the ultimate experience of squeezing through a rock formation called, for lack of a better name, ‘The Lemon Squeeze.’ We had had our fill of fresh air and scenic landscapes, fun and laughter, and tons of picture taking to remember it all. Joanna should have been reflecting on all of this but now, instead of ending the trip on a happy note, I sent her home with a heavy heart. I did that. Me.
Until that day, I had no idea the power I possessed; the power to kill with mere words. That was the day of my first true regret in life. That was the day I first learned the meaning of foolishness, for I was a fool indeed.
I’ve often thought about which point in time I would start my life over if I could go back with the knowledge I have now. Where would I start my re-do? I decided on that stupid day in 1986. I’d be willing to start again at the age of eleven if it meant I could take back the five seconds it took to crush her. I’d be willing to go through all the hellish stages of adolescence onceafuckingain if it meant I could fix that mistake. I judged her poorly. I judged her based on nothing, really. She was a sweet, tiny, awkward little thing who never hurt a fly. And I’m not sure how taking back those five seconds would change my life, but at least it would take away one less heart-stab in hers.
I could hear him approach as I sat at the computer by my front window. He was talking to himself while pushing an overloaded shopping cart down the street. I watched as he let his carriage roll on ahead of him for a quick grab-n-go maneuver. As he jauntily hopped up my neighbor’s steps, he ever-so-nonchalantly grabbed from the top landing an umbrella which had been resting in the corner for convenience. He then proceeded to hop right back down the steps and regain control of his mighty-steed-on-wheels before it crashed into a parked car out front…all this was performed in one fell swoop; what a pro.
“That’s not yours!”
From across the street I see his shiny, bald head look up at the sound of my voice, but then continue on with his thievery…
“That’s not yours!”
I spoke out my window a second time, intentionally louder. My heart was racing as I realized words were exiting my mouth! It wasn’t in a “HEY YOU” kind of voice, mind you, but in more of a matter-of-fact, I-see-what-you’re-doing kind of tone.
“Stop it, Mindy! What are you doing? You don’t know what this guy might do!”
Those were my thoughts as I stupidly addressed him from my secret, foliage obscured perch. Shaking hands soon accompanied my racing heart as the adrenaline my body so generously loves to release into my bloodstream every time I’m about to engage in ANY sort of confrontation, coursed through my veins. Wisdom told me to keep silent for safety’s sake, but that option felt wrong. I just couldn’t stand by and watch him steal from my neighbors. I couldn’t watch him take something that wasn’t his! It may seem like a petty little thing, but wrong is wrong and right is right.
Now on my side of the street and directly in front of my house, he senses the direction whence came the girly voice of judgement…
“Well, you know…no it’s not…but it is now,”
he replied with a chuckle as he added my neighbor’s blue and white umbrella to his already full carriage of crap…also stolen from the shopping mart just down the street.
I’ve seen this homeless guy before. I had to call the police a couple months ago because of him. He was hanging out on the sidewalk just between me and my neighbor to the left. I watched as he talked to himself with seriously odd, erratic behavior…I watched as he tried to talk to a poor girl just trying to walk her dog…I watched as he engaged in deep conversation WITH HIMSELF as he paced up and down, NOW in my neighbor’s driveway…And I watched as he looked through a partially opened window of one of the apartments towards the back of the building. It was the home of a single mom (as far as I know, I’ve only spoken with her once).
Rick yelled at me to get away from the window because he feared the obviously drug induced gentleman might see me. I truly felt anxious and concerned so I desperately needed to watch, but I chose to appease my husband’s demands if only for a moment. When I returned to my pantry window a few minutes later to check on the situation, the light was turned on and this guy was now INSIDE my neighbor’s apartment, standing right in front of the very window he had been peering through moments before!! I didn’t see him do it, but I’m convinced he climbed through this open window. But, DAMN IT, I could’t prove it now! You can imagine how many times I kicked myself for ever walking away.
As I continued my surveillance, I could see him acting all kinds of crazy as though he was performing some weird science experiment. I don’t know how else to describe it. He was also repeatedly stepping up and down onto something he had on the floor.
Stahraaaange.
So, of course, I called the police. I had to! What if my neighbor returned home with her child while this strange guy was still inside?!!? I would hope my neighbors would do the same for me! So I call and they ask my name. I was reluctant to give it at first because I didn’t want everyone to know it was me that called it in. The dispatcher assured me that it would stay confidential; they just want it for their records. So what did the two police officers do when they finally arrived? Yup. Walked straight to my front door! Seriously?!?!
Anyway, they finally made their way next door after I repeated myself by telling them everything I had already explained over the phone. I told them that he was still inside, DIRECTLY in front of the window. CAN’T. MISS. HIM. After they had a chit-chat with the guy, we see the two officers escort him back down the driveway towards the street. I could hear the cop asking the guy where he got the cart and he simply stated back to the officer the name of the food market. No big deal. Pretty soon he was back at it, pushing his stolen treasures down the street; off into the sunset. Did the police ever contact my neighbor? Did she know the guy and say it was OK!? I gotta say, I seriously doubt this man was friends with the tenant; he CLEARLY did not belong there! I found this whole event rather strange.
BUT I DIGRESS…
Back to yesterday’s events…
SO, after my initial scolding was followed by Baldy’s response of zero repentance, he continued to push his cart past my house with HIS new blue and white umbrella.
“Jesus sees everything,”
I responded, to which he replied with some illogical, ranty justification for taking said umbrella. (By the way, I’m super glad I have a picket fence bordering between my fifteen feet or so of overgrowth and the sidewalk, because for a second there I thought he was gonna try and get closer.) Now out of sight, I could hear him yelling, “Your welcome, by the way!” (for apparently giving me my freedom) and “Happy Fourth.”
“Jesus gave me my freedom!” I hollered back to my neighbor’s six foot fence. OK, okay… so my indignation may have been intensified by his pompous, self-righteous attitude. Part of me considered running down the street, catching up to this guy and taking back the stupid umbrella…but yeah, that would have been REALLY dumb.
So, how crazy is he really? I mean, obviously, the drugs have led to his unpredictable behavior. BUT, he knew what he was doing was wrong and he even acknowledged that Jesus does indeed see everything. I hope the mere mention of the Lord’s name sows something deep within this man’s spirit. It does say that God’s Word never comes back void. There has to be power in just the mere mention of His name…I would think! I have prayed for this man in the past and I prayed again for him yesterday, despite my personal feelings of injustice by his hands. I don’t know his story of how he got to be where he’s at, but God knows and I pray the Lord’s will be done in his life.
If I happen to spot him around town will I be scanning the cart for a blue and white umbrella? Yup…but I won’t do anything…I promise.
I don’t know what the circumstances were, but I decided to just stop by real quick…wouldn’t stay…so I didn’t even get dressed. I stayed in my pj’s (baggy sweatpants and a T-shirt I’d slept in the night before). I don’t think my hair was even brushed…probably didn’t brush my teeth, either! When I got there, her place was set up for some type of home party. (I feel it important to note that upon entering, this room was quite large and open; high ceilings, wood floors, and lots of light. She clearly is successful with a nice bank account.) Little stands were on display and there was candy for the taking as well. People began showing up for this gathering right after me, so I ended up staying out of obligation (I suppose). It was a bit embarrassing not feeling presentable, but I stayed and tried to be a part of her “thing.”
After I’d been standing around for a bit, I noticed a girl I knew putting together an ensemble of “pieces” that my friend, the hostess, had created…different types of trinkets and such (my friend was explaining to her the meaning behind each item). I realized right then that my friend was trying to sell her very own, hand-crafted creations and that’s what this gathering was all about. Upon this realization I instantly knew I couldn’t afford anything, so I didn’t even bother looking at any of the displays (up close anyway), although I did compliment the girl’s choices, all the while keeping in mind that I didn’t have any money. I do remember thinking these items were cute and I commented to the girl as such. She was holding what looked like a super tiny, hand-crafted, leather wallet but it had pockets that you were supposed to fill with other things and it had some sort of purpose and meaning, but I don’t know what. I took it from her to get a closer look and some coins she had placed inside started falling out.
Oops.
I began putting them back into the tiny, open pockets and sheepishly handed it back to her.
When it was time to leave I noticed there were tons of people slowly filing out and I thought to myself how it’ll take forever to get out of this place. They were all helping themselves to candies on the way out and I saw that each guest was only taking one. There were several boxes of treats for the choosing but not all were open, so I only took from the open ones…well, grabbed a fistful is more like it! I jammed this fistful of Tootsie Rolls into my right pocket and then proceeded to fill my left pocket with whatever was in the other open box of goodies, but I quickly realized that my gluttony was super obvious and I was afraid my hostess would be able to see my bulging pockets as I left. So I was trying to rearrange what was in my left pocket and noticed there were a lot of crumbs in there. I had apparently stashed giant croutons into my pocket without ever knowing what they actually were! And some of them had popped out of their plastic wrappers amidst all the stuffing. Hence, all the crumbs! Not sure why I would hoard a bunch of croutons, I guess I was just trying to take advantage of whatever was “free.” One of the giant crouton-blocks seemed to be about six inches long by 3 inches wide and it just wouldn’t sit right in my pocket, so I did what any normal person would do…I went to the bathroom, crumbled it up into the toilet, and flushed it down (that way my host would never know).
When I was finally ready to leave, I noticed everyone was now gone. I thought of going too, but I could hear my hostess friend just around the corner doing something, and I think she knew I was still there, so I hung around to say proper goodbyes. While I was waiting for her to finish whatever it was she was doing, I noticed a table of more goodies-for-the-grabbing by the door. Again, some packages were open but most were still sealed with plastic. I was gonna just take more treats from another already-opened-box when I noticed an unopened one full of these giant chocolate chip cookies with a uniquely shaped jack-o-lantern type face. I decided I wanted those and took it upon myself to rip open the plastic and help myself (to only one this time). I think that’s when my friend came back around the corner and we got to chatting.
I can’t remember her exact words, but the conversation was basically about how she had designed her trinkets and such with me in mind and how it was a bit disappointing that I didn’t show any interest. I then confessed my selfishness and how I didn’t even really look at her work. I then proceeded to admit that I was still wearing my pajamas. I think she chuckled at that. But, yeah, I basically felt like a heel for not being more aware of what this event was all about. Instead I had been focused on myself the whole time.
So, basically, this dream reveals how much of a self-absorbed, greedy slob I am?
No one knows how or why it happened. Top scientists in the world can’t explain it (or won’t). At first it was extremely subtle, but we all noticed a shift. We all knew something was “off,” but couldn’t quite put our finger on it. The wishful thinkers of the world figured that new diet they’d been on must finally be working (that’s how subtle it was), but those of us who were more grounded (no pun intended) had a creeping suspicion that all was not well. The subtlety I’m speaking of was an odd feeling of lightness . . . as though being underwater, but not really, mmmmm, it’s kind of hard to explain.
As this oddity became more and more obvious, so did the realization of our inescapable fate. Oh yes, this weightlessness was quite alarming to say the least, BUT… once the oxygen began to dissipate, well, that’s when the fear and panic REALLY set in. Those days were so chaotic. Can you just imagine a slew of semi-floating people awkwardly battling each other, mid-air, to grab that last oxygen tank from their local nursing home?! Complete anarchy! Yet, somehow, SOMEONE knew this was coming and was already prepared for the inevitable.
Some of us, “The Chosen Few” (as the powers-that-be like to call us), were permitted into these fully equipped, completely sustainable Living Pods, or LP’s; complete with artificial gravity and essential oxygen. What happened to those who didn’t make the cut? Not really sure. There are lots of theories, but no proof. At the peak of this super-surreal crisis, strange hover-type crafts began popping up everywhere and loading the old, the sick, the dead, and anyone else deemed unworthy for the new way of life. None of us had ever seen these crafts before and, NO, the hover crew didn’t appear to be little green or gray men! They were clearly human and clearly advantaged with classified information while the rest of us were left in the dark. Some of the CF’s who dared to sneak away from the LP Community to seek answers were never to be seen again. My brother was among some of the inquiring minds. I think of him everyday and hope he is well, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me otherwise, but I digress . . .
To be honest, it’s been about twenty years and it still doesn’t seem real. And what really sucks, besides losing my family, is that humans and animals can no longer dwell together (in the traditional sense). You see, the oxygen us humans breathe is now toxic to ALL other life. Hence, “The Shift.” Everything else…matter and animal, all of the outdoors as we know it, remained the same as though nothing had changed . . . well, because it hadn’t, for them. While all of humanity suffered from a loss of gravity and oxygen, all other life was somehow able to adapt to this new atmosphere. Whatever “air” is now nourishing all worldwide ecosystems . . . whatever transition did take place, nature never skipped a beat. I know, I know, it just doesn’t make any sense! When the farmers could no longer look after the livestock or tend to the land, it seems preparations werealready in place to take over. These new A.I. machines were quickly implemented to maintain all agriculture.
I hate this new life. It’s no life at all if you ask me. I miss the warmth of the sun on my face. I miss the wind. I miss the sound of rustling leaves on a crisp, autumn day. I miss playing with Aunt Becky’s long haired German Shepherd puppies. Horse back riding, motorcycle rides, and picnics at the park are all distant memories now. And, OH how I miss my cat, Harry. Sometimes, when I can get an SPP (Special Privilege Pass), I suit up and I go visit my abandoned, and now dilapidated, childhood home. Harry’s gotta be in his mid-twenties by now and it’s quite amazing how he’s still kickin’ around the ol’ stompin’ grounds; catching mice and lazing in the sun. So odd, but it looks like he hasn’t aged a day! I wish I could let him into my lap and scratch the backs of his ears like I used to, but the uncontrollable floating and protective gear won’t allow it. He runs away anyway, not able to recognize me. Breaks my heart, but at least I know he’s well.
(Deep sigh) . . . So many questions . . . zero answers.
YouTube is hellbent on repeatedly suppressing this information, but I say we have THE RIGHT to hear what these doctors have to say AND we have the ability to decide for ourselves whether or not it holds water…
…which is why I’m posting a link to this video that YouTube continually removes whenever someone reposts.
Fight censorship by reposting this video everywhere!
For the longest time, depression prevented me from creating any sort of visual art. It just wouldn’t come out of me. Zero inspiration existed in my world.This is the first drawing I’ve started and completed in MANY YEARS. I had found an old sketch of a tree and decided to finally bring it to life. It’s my attempt at illustration, since airbrushing has typically been my main choice of medium. For this drawing I ended up using soft pastels, colored pencil, and markers.
When I did airbrush for a living, it was always on motorcycles or cars and it was always what the client wanted (mostly skulls and flames…sigh). I never did explore my own interests and figure out my own style. Everything I painted was a job. The stress and pressure from these impatient bikers (among other things) got to be too much for me and I burnt out. I quit. I gave it all up. I had to.
So, at the age of 44, here I am…in search of who I am as an artist… finally creating just for me and hopefully finding myself along the way. This first completed drawing was an experiment. I worked on it a little at a time each day for about two weeks (baby steps). It didn’t turn out exactly how I had hoped, but that’s OK. I was tempted to give up half-way through, but that would have been my typical self. So instead, I pushed through regardless of the outcome.
This is my beginning…my journey…my tree….from my silly little head.
Did this voice-over because it’s fun…. if you have 4 minutes and 20 seconds to spare, go ahead and have a listen! https://hitrecord.org/records/4239436
As I stood outside during recess, all alone in my giant parka jacket, I could hear them talking. Wanting to be a part of the conversation, I approached the circle of girls. Unsure of which word was the correct one, I knew I had a 50/50 shot at getting it right; that’s what I remember thinking as I was walking towards them. So, in a split second decision, I chose…..poorly.
“It’s DIARY, not diarrhea!” they laughed at me as I sheepishly walked away.
“Um…YEAH, I’m pretty sure it’s a bullet wound,” he flatly rasped back to the snooty operator.
As the phone cut out for the fifth time his legs could no longer support his weight and he slowly slid to the floor. Now slumped in a heap of defeat, the only current comfort he had was the illumination of the overhead light warming his sad, soggy frame.
“How the hell did I end up here?!?!” he rhetorically asked himself, sitting all alone in a red puddle of woe. This lone, oddly placed phone booth he now found himself in was a double edged sword. On one hand it was a desperately needed respite, but at the very same time it also seemed to serve as an obnoxiously bright beacon calling out to the threat looming outside.
A sudden onslaught of rain violently beat against the booth’s glass suggesting impending doom would soon be on its way. Left with only the torture of regret, all he could do now was reflect on the last four days of his pathetic existence and how foolish he had been. With no other options for help and all hope seemingly lost, he uttered the most odious phrase no one ever wants to declare… “I should have listened to my mother.”
So, in this particular dream I found myself on a small ice skating rink. I was trying to see if I could still skate like when I was a kid. I used to figure skate back in the day (for a short stint) and I wanted to see if I was still capable. When realization set in that I could comfortably raise my left leg high above my head as I leaned forward horizontally over the ice with my arms stretched far out to each side like a bird, I was pretty excited! I mean, I couldn’t believe how perfect my form was and it didn’t hurt a bit! All I wanted to do was hold that position as I glided freely about the ice, but there were so many people in my way that I couldn’t glide more than a few feet before I would have to stop. I felt extremely frustrated to say the least, and I wanted nothing more than for all those people to get out of my way. If they got off the ice altogether that would have been even better.
Then the ice rink became
a large living room with beige carpet…but I would still be able to skate around freely on it if I could just move the furniture out of the way.
No problem!
There was only a couch and coffee table. I pushed them to the far end of the room so I would have the open space I needed. I was sure to be neat about it because I didn’t think the furniture or the space actually belonged to me, so I wanted to be respectful.
But when I turned around
there was more furniture sitting in its place, right in the middle of my newly cleared area!
Every time I turned around there was more and more large pieces of furniture to be moved, all in the middle of the room. Soon it wasn’t just furniture, but clutter as well. I wasn’t even trying to be neat about it anymore as I hastily, and now carelessly, hurled old papers and all sorts of other junk out the doorway and into the next room. Despite my efforts, the mess never got smaller. I knew it was Satan putting all this crap there every time my back was turned.
All I wanted was the freedom to glide freely about but I couldn’t because of all the obstacles blocking my way. Perfect summation of my life, I would say.
So I signed up on HITRECORD about six years ago but never did anything with it. Suddenly I’ve contributed two poems within the last week and I’m not even a poet. This entry was written to compliment a picture of a flower underneath the moon. Like I said…I’m no poet, but I still like it…
‘Freewill’
Unaware the rules of Day,
her flourishing happens by night.
Never growing by Sun’s ray,
but only by glow of Moon’s light.
I was up ’till 3am writing this next one. The challenge was to write in two sentences or less a tiny story describing what we saw in the “tiny film” of a girl, surrounded by fish, standing underwater in the subway. After reading one contributor’s idea, it inspired me to elaborate on this idea of a train ride to a secret underwater world. The ending still seems awkward to me but it was the best I could do… Also, I couldn’t keep it under two sentences, but it was still fun and it was nice to feel inspired to create something! So here ya go…
I just went back and read ‘Eternal Perspective’ to see what I wrote about needing to stay in my marriage despite my feelings. I went back and read what I wrote almost a year ago because I’m feeling it again. The angst, the frustration, the anger and resentment; they’re all rearing their ugly heads once again. I knew I shouldn’t have watched those stupid romantic movies. It’s not reality!! And they always trigger this response in me and it lasts for WEEKS.
I feel like giving up.
So, in hopes of receiving encouragement from my own words, I went back to see what I had to say. Honestly? It wasn’t what I wanted to hear (or read, I should say) and I’m wondering if I was right or if I’m forcing myself to carry a load too heavy to bear? BUT, I have to admit…it did encourage me to keep at it. I do feel I haven’t done all I can in respect to “delighting in the Lord” as I should (read the link for ‘desires of our own hearts’ to know what I mean by that). I’ve been too focused on my misery. I will try and give the praise He deserves. I haven’t been listening to any worship music AT ALL. I will start there. It’s all I’ve got in me currently. Thank the Lord He understands where I’m at.
So, here you go, some juicy excerpts with a few rude interruptions, by me, here and there…
“…Could I have walked away from my marriage a long time ago? SURE! But this life was never meant to be all about us and our own wants and comforts. Yes, God does care about the desires of our own hearts, but He also knows what is best for us in the long-run. He exists outside of time. He can see far ahead and knows just what needs to happen when and where in order for His perfect plan to come to fruition. What if my willingness to stay in this thing and keep pushing through these trials will eventually bring BREAKTHROUGH because I didn’t give up? What if, by my staying, Rick gains true salvation and revelation because I persevered; because I stayed and continued to grow in my own walk with the Lord? What if my own life wasn’t ever about me but meant to be a light for someone else? …”
Pardon me, but I must interject here for a moment… What if, by my LEAVING, Rick gets his revelation? As far as my life being a light for someone else goes?…yeah, I’m failing HUGE in that department. I’ll speak for Rick when I say, it’s been difficult to be around me lately. Whatever light I’m supposed to be for him has been snuffed out by my own misery. Okay, you may continue…
“…What if…
by my staying, God is able to prune me while I learn about my OWN character flaws…and believe me, there are PAH-lenty. …”
Okay, sorry, me again…WOW. What a true statement…
“…What if a tenderness and a patience I never demonstrated before in our marriage suddenly becomes the fruit produced from my own pruning? Could that be what sparks a change in Rick’s own walk? And how amazing would it be for God Almighty to be glorified through the restoration of our marriage?!?! …”
Ummm, yeah…That WOULD be amazing but I’ve yet to see this long awaited fruit. If that’s what is needed to spark change then we’re both in trouble. I’m still too busy carrying around a heavy, hardened heart. And believe me when I tell you, I continually ask God to change/fix my heart because I can’t do it myself.
“…I’m trying to grow in the Lord and become all He meant me to be since before the beginning of time. It’s difficult to grow when you walk AWAY from the fire. How can you become refined when you walk away from the fire? How do you become stronger when you give up on something because you just don’t want to stay in it anymore? …”
Yeah, this statement punched me right in the face. I definitely don’t want to stay in this anymore. I don’t want to live this way anymore. But I guess I made a good point…How DO I become refined if I walk away from the fire? …maybe there are different types of fire? Maybe a new phase is necessary. Maybe a change is needed because I can’t see myself continuing for much longer before another breakdown occurs.
“…What if, by my staying and striving to seek God through it all, THAT is what makes the difference in Rick’s life? Isn’t he worth it? And isn’t marriage more than just wanting what you can get from your spouse? Isn’t marriage a covenant which means a whole lot more than whether the other person makes you happy enough?…”
Boy, talk about putting pressure on myself! But perhaps I was right? I think I’ve lost my eternal perspective. I’m still seeking God but He’s been silent with me for quite some time now and I’m not sure why.
“…It’s hard to live this way. I bottle it all up and then, after some time, it slowly makes its way back up to the surface and I break down all over again. This has been the cycle for YEARS. But I CHOOSE to persevere until the Lord clearly shows me it’s time to do something else. If He wants me to leave I will know on the Lord’s timing, not mine. … Because if I make some hasty decision based on my own feelings, I fear I may miss something big that God already has planned. I don’t want to miss out on what God has for me because I just couldn’t wait anymore. And besides, nothing I could choose to do on my own could ever compare to what God can do for me…”
I’m still waiting on the Lord. I don’t want to act without His blessing and clear guidance. I can’t do that. Not again. It just makes the journey longer and harder. I’m already so tired.
UPDATE…7/16/2020:
Nothing spectacular has happened. In fact, the world around us seems to have gone to shit at a record pace. But, after reading this back to myself, I just wanted to note that I am feeling better regardless of my circumstances. I’ve been reading and studying God’s word more than ever; I’m praying more (which really means I’ve been taking the time to talk heart to heart with my Heavenly Father a lot more). I’m eating better, intermittent fasting with mostly a one meal a day approach (sometimes I mix it up a little) with a low carb/little to no sugar-diet. I just decided one day to start and I didn’t over think it…I just started doing and didn’t focus on negatives. Each day I would just tell myself to keep at it because it’s gonna pay off. It just takes time (I still tell myself this). My actions quickly aligned with getting my head right.
I’m pleased to say I have gotten over the hump and it is now quite easy to continue with these eating habits. I also started exercising; nothing challenging as to not hurt or overwhelm myself . This baby-step approach is really working for me. No self-pressure. I’m losing weight and inches and a lot of the inflammation in my body is gone. I feel confident that I can continue with these changes. I feel good. And God is good! I had been praying for Him to help me with the self-discipline because it’s always been an area I have struggled. I do feel He is helping me along…I truly do. I have been delighting in Him and in return I have a peace that sustains me. I didn’t give up in seeking Him and it is indeed true that God rewards those who diligently seek Him. Amen! I refuse to ever stop seeking!
Day 5 of 2020 and I’m not exactly getting on with life.
I got out of bed around 10:42 to pee and chose to lay back down again. When my kitty, Cece, decided to join me along with her amazingly soothing purr, well, I naturally fell back to sleep.
She’s adorable, I know.
In this dream I’m about to place an order at Dunkin’ Donuts but I’m standing outside in front of the drive-thru speaker. I can’t decide what I want and just then some girl from several feet away recognizes me and starts shouting to me as though we know each other well. In my head I’m wondering who she is as I outwardly keep up the friendly banter. She seems to really admire me, as though it’s almost “cool” to know me. Before she walks away I jokingly shout out to her that she should become a teacher and save the world. She laughs and then I’m back to trying to figure out what the hell I want to order.
I realize it’s quite cold so I decide to walk around and go inside to place my order…that and I don’t have a car so what am I doing trying to order in the drive-thru (even though I’m pretty sure there were other people doing the same thing)?!?! Upon entering, I notice that the workers and most of the patrons are black. It’s just unusual, is all, and I suppose it made me feel a bit out of place…out of my normal element, if you will. I walk right into one man on my way to the counter… “I’m so sorry,” I quickly apologize.
I realize I still can’t make up my mind on what I want; so far I know a hot chocolate is part of my order but I have no idea what I should eat. I know a ham, egg, and cheese croissant is bad for me but OH SO GOOD. I leave without placing an order because I still can’t make up my mind.
Not sure where I went, but I NOW know what I want and I have it all written down, so I go back to finally place my order only to find that the establishment is completely shut down. I mean, there is absolutely no sign of life. The windows are pitch black and I’m super bummed because I waited too long. “It must be because it’s Sunday” I think to myself. “They must close early on Sundays…if only I could have made up my mind in time…why is it so hard for me to make decisions?!?!”
I now try to make my way down the street away from Dunkin’ only to find that it’s a struggle. I feel disoriented and my vision seems off, like I can’t focus. I think that may have been related to the fact that, in real life, I have to now wear reader glasses and my eyes feel out of focus for the first couple of seconds when I take them off (or I just really needed sugar but took too long to decide what I wanted). I then see some guys I know and ask one of them if he can give me a ride home. He seems quite reluctant to do me this favor and I’m not sure why because it’s not that far (I seem to be in my old hometown for some reason).
“But I don’t feel safe!” I cry,
but he still won’t comply. So I slap him on the arm or maybe it was upside the head? That might have been it. Whatever the case, I tell him that he’s not a real man or a gentleman or something to that effect and I continue unsteadily on my way, struggling to walk down the street. It’s almost as though there’s some sort of invisible force against me, like when you try to run in your dream but you’re stuck in slow motion. Yeah, so it was just like that…but different.
I reach the entrance to one of the town parks and begin to cross the street, but it’s very hard to run (don’t want to get hit by a car) because I just can’t move as I normally would… as I explained earlier. After I reach the other side (on my hands and knees) I notice a small rock face up ahead, probably about forty degrees in angle. When I walk up to it I see some sort of wheel barrow laying there about halfway up so I attempt to slide it ever so slightly to the right until it feels secure and locked into place; don’t want it to come loose and slide down into traffic! But right when I wedge it in I somehow trigger an implosion across the street where the entrance to the park is. The ground starts to rumble and then proceeds to cave in. I even see a man getting sucked into the ground (he seemed rather large too…like giant size).
I try to run up the hill because I realize the ground underneath me is not stable and so I better get out of there! When I made it up the street a ways I think there was an older lady I conversed with, but I can’t remember what that was about now.
Then I woke up around 12:24, got up and finally fed my cats.
I just had a weird dream. I haven’t been remembering my dreams lately. But I was more present in this one than in others.
One of the first things I remember is Toco coming back to me. I realize this cat is next to me on this bed and I wonder if it could possibly be her. So when I look closer I realize it really IS Toco. I yell, “Toco, you came back to me!” I pet her to make sure she is real. She is. I don’t think she stayed, though. I think it was just a visit. Then I go to tell someone. I said I think she came back to me because I was missing her so much, which is true; I miss her so.
Then Rick and I were at some unfinished, loft type building looking for some guy he knows. I was thinking to myself about how this space would be a cool place to live if it were finished. Then I start to feel frustrated and think about how that’s all I’ve ever really wanted. A cool, FINISHED place to call home.
So we find who we’re looking for out back and he’s an older guy with white hair. Part of his face and head look odd; kind of swollen and disfigured a bit. When he stretches out his hand for me to shake, I notice it’s also disfigured and puffy. All his fingers are stuck together like a mitt and part of this “hand-mitt” looks discolored with a sort of whitish pigmentation. It’s also very soft and squishy when I take hold; jellylike. At first I’m sure to be gentle and he says to grip harder, so I squeeze harder until he winces a bit. Right then a thought comes to me to say a quick prayer for him while we’re still touching, so I say in a soft voice, “Be healed, in Jesus name.” He heard me, which I don’t think was my intention (out of fear), but he didn’t seem to mind at all. He said something I couldn’t understand as he was walking away (we were following) but it sounded like agreement and approval.
Next thing I know we’re in a car with the guy and someone I guessed to be his buddy…two old guys. Rick and I are in the back seat and we’re driving on a dirt road high up on a cliff. I see lots of pine trees and steep rock faces. The driver is going way too fast and as we take a corner he loses control. I feel the car veering off course and I know there’s no correcting it. The two front wheels seem to drag perpendicular to the edge of the road until eventually the vehicle loses its grip and finally separates itself from the edge (all in slow motion, of course).
We are now airborne.
Rick and I realize this fact and so we both say to each other “I love you” because we know this is it. Then I keep saying it over and over and over again…
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Then I say that I’m sorry for being such a shitty wife and I ask the Lord to forgive me for all my sins (apparently it was a long drop). But we never crashed. Next thing I know we’re driving along on another street and we’re fine. So then I start thinking to myself about how maybe we should get divorced since we’ve now had such a traumatic experience that gives one new perspective on life.
Jilly Blackstone
This site was inspired by the passing of my dear friend, Jill Ann Considine. She was an amazing musician and song writer. She was incredibly caring and unique and she got me. I’ll forever miss her but she will always live on in our hearts and ears.
