4/27/2012

Okay. So about a week or so ago, after much insistence from my husband Rick, I went to the doctor’s for a physical. He was worried that there may be something else wrong with me because of my exhaustion. I also wasn’t getting any better concerning my general mood and outlook on life. Was still feeling a heavy sadness with no desire to do ANYTHING. Zero drive. So the doctor (actually, she’s a nurse practitioner) checked me out. I started sobbing when I told her about Jill’s death. She seemed to think it odd that I was still crying like that ten months later. Well, that’s the impression I got anyway. Whatever. Fact is I just couldn’t pull out of this darkness so she prescribed me an additional medication called Fluoxetine. She determined that the Effexor is no longer working for me and that this new drug should help me feel better as well as help with withdrawal symptoms when we’re ready to wean me off of the antidepressant. So, I have to say that I AM starting to feel better. I am no longer standing in the middle of the room staring off into nothingness. Before I used to feel like I was standing on top of a pile of junk, like in the Hoarders show, feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start . I lived that way for a long time. Most days I felt as though I were in a fog or that this life wasn’t real. I had no drive. Zero happiness or joy. Didn’t care if I lived or died. I felt numb. Other days something would trigger me into a flip-out followed by bouts of sobbing. I lived this way for years and years. Sometimes I would be OK and believe I was better but it’s hard to really know what “OK” means because that was my normal. I didn’t know anything else. Looking back over the years I feel so sad for this girl called Mindy. But, for the first time ever, I’m looking ahead and feeling excited for her as well.

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