I used to rock myself for comfort. Back and forth. Back and forth. I was in such a state. Everything looked hopeless. I started keeping a journal when the pain was just too much to bear. I was trying to figure out what changes needed to be made in order to be happy again. Problem was……I was too far into this depression to be able to see my situation from a logical perspective. I was too far gone………..
November 28, 2011…..I’ve been feeling rather heavy these days. Like there’s something weighing my body down. But I feel most of its’ force pressing downward against my chest. Such angst…..angst, that’s the perfect word to describe how I’ve been feeling, especially today. ANGST. That wretched feeling that all is not well with my soul. I’m clearly not living in alignment with God’s word. That must be it because I have no joy. Something is wrong; out of place in my life. I’m not satisfied. And the feeling is C O N S T A N T. For periods of time I have been able to bury it deep down to the point where I am convinced that I am happy. But it never lasts. It has always been able to creep back up to the surface. I don’t think I can ignore it anymore. Question is, what do I do about it?
November 29, 2011…..I feel like I’m just going through the motions of each day. It’s almost as though I am not even present. I’m really sad most of the time.
December 2, 2011…..After much pondering I think I’ve figured it out. It feels like I’m living in limbo. By that I mean it seems I can’t focus on what I should be doing for myself and for Rick because I don’t feel our marriage is well. I’m not sure if we’ll ever learn how to get along and live peacefully side by side. It’s not that I don’t have the desire for more, it’s just that I’m not sure I want more if this is how it’s always gonna be. I want to feel loved now, despite our circumstances. I’m losing myself in the everyday sadness of my life. I don’t know how to approach Ricky about this matter. I generally avoid talking to him for sanity’s sake. All I know is this….when we don’t get along (which is generally more than half the time) everything else is meaningless. I see no future when I feel hopeless.
December 4, 2011 1:39 am…..I flipped out again. Went all crazy on Rick, yelling and crying. I think I’ve lost myself and I don’t know how to get well. I’m always truthful in my “rants”. Everything that’s been crowding my head comes out in one big crazy spectacle of self-slapping and tears. I don’t feel loved. I know Rick loves me because of all that he does, but the one thing he almost NEVER does is hug me or even touch me for that matter. Days will go by without any affection. If I ask for a hug it’s as though I’m inconveniencing him and the hug is never a real, sincere hug. It’s robotic. He says it’s because I ask for a hug at the wrong times. I just don’t feel connected to him like I know I should be. I suppose I don’t really deserve such love because of all my shortcomings. I’m quite the burden. Maybe I should just live alone. That way I don’t have to live with the constant worry of how I’m failing him everyday. It’s a vicious rut of a cycle I’m in.
December 29, 2011…..Haven’t been feeling that horrible despair I spoke of in earlier entries. Life has been bearable. I’m determined to make it better and better with each day that passes. Rick has been really trying to be more careful about his negativity. Some days are better than others but, hey, if he can put up with me for the last seven years I can give him a chance, too.
January 18, 2012…..It’s starting up again. The continual snapping back and forth at each other. Tonight I was just misunderstood. He was misreading me so then I chose to react to that. He’s now back in the bedroom watching his TV. I don’t feel like we’re connected. I don’t even want hugs anymore. I don‘t think we‘re sexually compatible and I feel awful that I‘ve done this to him. This really isn’t fair to him. Is it at all possible that things could change, Lord? I do feel that there is hope. There are so many reasons I love him.