May 12, 2012
Mother’s Day is not a joyous occasion. Not for me anyway. I actually dread the annoying holiday every year. And there’s NEVER a card that says just the right thing. In fact, they all say just the wrong thing. But I understand they can’t make cards that say, “You sucked as a mother but I still love you” either. Was that harsh? Sorry, it’s the pain from repeated rejection and disappointment talking.
I hate having to make that phone call to say “Happy Mother’s Day”. It’s fake and forced. I have no desire to speak to her. I closed my heart off to her a long time ago. It’s called self-preservation. At some point I had to stop caring. Problem is the unresolved issues never really went away. And the many choices my mother made along the way severely damaged my ability to function in the real world. Fortunately for me I have discovered that the damage is not permanent unless I allow it to be.
I am preparing to address these issues soon. I’m not quite ready, yet, but I feel a resolution is on the horizon. I’ve been mulling over the meaning and importance of forgiveness for some time now. I’m working through these resentments and realizations that keep arising. I’m delving into possible issues my mother may have had and still may have to this very day. I know she’s human. I’m trying. It’s hard but I am trying. My goal is to be able to let it all go and be free. Free to finally be ME. I’ve been carrying this heavy pain around for far too long. I don’t want it anymore.
In order to deal you gotta feel if you wanna heal (heard that on Oprah not too long ago).