October 16, 2012
I don’t think Rick and I are in love with each other the way a married couple should be. Sometimes things seem hopeful but it never lasts for more than a few months at a time….if that. I don’t know how to make things better except to keep focusing on my own growth.
I just don’t think it should be THIS hard. It’s not supposed to be because of the respect we are supposed to have for each other, but I feel as though we burnt each other’s bridges down due to our flaws? I just don’t feel love from him which, in turn, keeps me at a distance. I try to just deal with it but most days are harder than others.
I worry this may be all my fault. But owning up to the truth will only break hearts.
What if I convinced myself that I was in love with him because I didn’t want to hurt him? I was a lost and broken little girl trying to make grown-up decisions. I chose Rick because of his sweet spirit and his stability. Let’s face it, I was a mess. Was laid off of a job I really enjoyed and just couldn’t function. Too scared and stubborn to get a job doing something I hated. Truth is, I was terrified of people and unfamiliar territory. The fear of even applying for a job, any job, was paralyzing. I wasn’t “well”. He wanted to take care of me and I wanted to be taken care of…NEEDED to be taken care of. Perfect! My money was running out so I would no longer be able to pay Christin, my roommate, my half of the monthly rent. And I was miserable living with her because I didn’t know how to communicate or express my true feelings when something bothered me. And there was a lot to be bothered by in that living situation. We were definitely NOT compatible roomies. I never should have rushed into that decision…I hadn’t thought it through. I had no idea who I was or where I was going.
I made the decision to live upstairs above Rick’s motorcycle and repair shop. I didn’t know what else to do and I had no other options. My cats got to live at Rick’s house and I got to sleep above a working garage. I refused to move into his house even though he had two spare rooms. I was worried about what people would think and assume was going on. He was separated but not yet divorced and I refused to be involved with him romantically until he was actually divorced. Plus, I had a huge need to NOT have sex until my wedding night. No, I wasn’t a virgin, but my identity was based on being Christian and having sexual purity. I needed to redeem myself from past mistakes and major regrets. Plus, laying down those rules in the beginning of a relationship gave me a sense of control and protection. I sure had A LOT to learn…..still do.
I set up my bed and dressers in such a way as to make the back corner feel like my new little home. It was a space not meant for living. I don’t even want to talk about the “shower” I had to use downstairs where customers and anyone else could see me. It was this small shower stall with a small water heater which never lasted long enough! It was in a dirty little room which I think had been meant for a second bathroom. The toilet was in the other NASTY little room, also with shit lighting and a dirty floor.
I tried to make the best of it.