October 18, 2012
I didn’t want to get out of bed today.
October 19, 2012
Same deal…..finally dragged myself out of bed around twenty past two. I did get up for a short stint around 9am but went back to sleep.
I’m feeling down again. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to do anything productive since last Thursday. My lungs are still congested with mucous that I’m forever coughing up. But since I forgave Mom all my focus seems to be back on my relationship with Ricky. I don’t want to go back to the old me but I just don’t know how to stay so positive everyday when I feel so dissatisfied with my marriage.
He did put his arms around me while I was washing dishes last night. I jumped a little because it startled me! He never touches me so that caught me off guard. I even THANKED HIM FOR HUGGING ME. Why? Because he never does. Sad part is I’ve been complaining about this since the beginning. Eight years of marriage later and it just hasn’t improved. I know it’s got nothing to do with me…well, that’s what I try to tell myself.
I can’t live this way anymore. Question is, what do I do about it? I keep thinking that maybe a temporary separation would be the best thing for us, but how the hell would I do that? I don’t have the means necessary to provide for myself. I am still completely reliant on Rick and I hate the way that makes me feel……..like a burden once again.
I didn’t get married just so I could get divorced but I can’t stay in this if it’s not going to change. Now that I’ve done so much work on myself and have discovered a newfound love for myself, I can no longer tolerate the emotional pain and dissatisfaction. And if I’m unhappy and unfulfilled then wouldn’t Rick be as well? I know he isn’t happy, either. What’s the best thing to do for THE BOTH OF US? I’m afraid to bring the truth out into the open for fear that Rick won’t be supportive or in agreement. I think he’s in denial.
We both had our reasons for getting married. I don’t know what HIS real truth is, but as far as mine goes I know I didn’t get married for the right reasons. I think I’ve always known but didn’t want it to be true…..so I ignored it. And each time it tries to bubble back up to the surface I shove it way down, again. I don’t think I can keep doing that. It’s making me sick. It may, quite possibly, be keeping him down as well. And that’s the last thing I want. I love him and can’t stand the thought of being that anchor that keeps Rick from all that God has intended for him.
Something HAS to change. That’s all I know at this point. These feelings are never going away without addressing the core issues. They will continue to rise to the surface until I have the courage to face my truth. But I’m so afraid of what might happen that I’m still frozen with doubt.
God help me to hear Your voice.