I don’t want to get divorced.

I love Ricky. He has helped me grow into the person I am as of right now.

I remember a time when I completely walked away from his life. I had become his confidante during the time I worked with him. He hired me to paint a mural in his shop so we talked quite a bit. Then I started hanging out with him after work, too. I made the first move. We were at a bar sitting at a table. When I came back from the bathroom I walked up to him from behind and wrapped my arms around his neck. Probably pressed my face against his face a little. It was pretty dim but I can still see that AWFUL eyesore of a print on his shirt.

I had been drinking, which is something I normally don’t do. He convinced me to stay in his spare room instead of driving all the way home, since his house was just around the corner. We made out that night. And that is when my emotional rollercoaster of guilt, shame and uncertainty began.

After about a week of spending time with him I was feeling real bad about the whole situation. I tried to cut ties but was unsuccessful the first time around. He had sent me a romantically sweet and thoughtful package to my house. So, of course I ended up calling him to say thank you. I think I saw him again for about another week until the same feelings of guilt got too strong to bear. After that short stint of a courting I didn’t see him, write him (sorry, texting wasn’t the norm yet) or speak to him for three whole months.

But during that first attempt of separation I remember crying out to God while driving home one night from the China Lotus. I had gone into the karaoke bar thinking that Janell and Crandy were going to meet me there. Well, they never showed up. One of my least favorite things is sitting alone at a crowded bar so eventually I left. As I was driving home I couldn’t stand the way I felt. My heart was heavy and it yearned to be near Rick. I just wanted him to hold me like he had that day I was standing in his shop feeling confused and worried about my predicament. He came up from behind and wrapped his strong arms around mine and just held me. He was wearing a long sleeved, red thermal shirt and it felt so snuggly and comforting wrapped around me. I wanted to feel that again.

I still want to feel that again.

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