3 simple words…….
You would think they’d be easy to say.
Not for me. I’ve never been able to say them….. until quite recently. I avoided the phrase because I could think of a gazillion reasons why I lost my virginity that day. All the reasons how and why I was responsible for being in that particular situation, completely naked and on the floor.
It was the afternoon of June 20, 1995, exactly one month before my 20th birthday. I didn’t scream or yell. I didn’t fight.
I was completely frozen.
And I couldn’t speak, either. No sound would come out. That’s what happened when I realized what was happening. All I could feel was his member going in and out of me and there was nothing I could do about it.
It was done.
My virginity………TAKEN……. Gone forever.
And I had no say. I wanted to wait until I was married. I hadn’t given him permission and he hadn’t asked. He got off me for a minute because I’m assuming he noticed something was wrong….but then again he did get RIGHT BACK ON ME and finish… sooooooo.
I was numb. I see myself wrapped in a sheet and standing by the bathroom door. I think I was looking at myself in the mirror. All I saw was a shell looking back. He went outside and when he came back in handed me a tiny purple flower. The kind you find on your lawn with the weeds. He handed it to me and said “Be happy.” I guess that was supposed to make me feel better. Pretty sure I took a shower after that.
I trusted him to not go past a certain point. Stupid, I know. But I already had sexual issues, major insecurities, and zero self-worth. I’d never had a serious boyfriend before. And I was dealing with the current rejection of my mother as well. My heart was already so heavy and broken. To say I was depressed would be accurate. And it doesn’t matter anyway! That’s just me trying to justify his actions…..He knew how I felt and CHOSE to violate me and my trust! He had no right to take what he took from me that day!
That night we did it again. But this time I became someone else.
This time I was in control.
I was the aggressor.
I was on top of him.
I wish I could forget his pleasure. Makes me sick to think about it. You see, after I lost my virginity….I mean, after HE RAPED ME, something inside me died. I wasn’t special anymore. I took a ‘might as well keep doing it’ bitter-attitude kind of approach to the whole situation. Call it self-preservation. I became someone else, but I wasn’t able to keep up the charade for long.
There were so many times my hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists hoping he’d be finished soon…… desperately wanting to push him off of me. I hated him but didn’t know how to stop it. I felt I deserved whatever mental and verbally abusive bullshit he had to dish out. And he was MEAN. He did a great job of making me feel like the piece of worthless shit I believed I was. I believed that my virginity was the only good thing about me, so when that was gone I had nothing left.
But I’m a grown woman now. I know who I am. I can’t change what happened. But I don’t have to let it define me. I did that for so long and it has gotten me no where. It’s kept me from being the person I was always meant to be. It has ruined certain relationships and has dictated how I function. And why the hell should I let this creep have such power and control over my life?!?!
Thank God I found and married a man who had the ability to see past my issues. We’ll have been married ten years this July and he has understood me when no one else could. He has been the support I have so desperately needed. It’s been a long road but I’m finally at a place where I can separate the past from the present. My past no longer defines me!
Your past does not define who you are, either. Your past does not determine who you will be. That is a lie from the devil….don’t fall for it!