It were as though I was gently laid down onto the floor. No one was behind me when I fell back. I should have banged my head when I landed, but that’s not what happened.
I had been standing in line for some time when I finally approached her for prayer. The tears wouldn’t stop streaming down my face. I could barely even tell her what my troubles were other than a desperate sadness I could never seem to permanently remove. First she hugged me and I began to sob uncontrollably into her shoulder. I calmed down a little and pulled away from the hug…. just standing in front of her with my eyes closed. As she was praying for me a feeling came upon me that I cannot describe. To say it was a feeling of light-headedness wouldn’t really do it justice. At first I fought this feeling, but as soon as I decided to let go and see what would happen I was peacefully sailing backwards through the air until I was gently laying on the floor. I wasn’t pushed…she was barely touching me. I actually don’t even recall the actual “falling”. A few seconds later I could feel her hand supporting my neck as she lovingly stroked my hair. It was amazing. I mean, I’d seen it happen to other people …heck, I’ve even seen a guy fake it! But I never fully understood it for personal lack of experience….but, there I was, laying on the floor fully enveloped by the Holy Spirit!
She continued to pray over me as I lay there…eyes closed and body trembling. The sobbing was uncontrollable. She lifted me up and cradled me like a child and I just let go. I let the cries out. I let the pain out. I cried as though I were a small child. I felt as though I were releasing all the bad stuff that had accumulated inside of me since childhood. And then she pinpointed the lie I had been believing for most of my life….She told me I am lovable. That’s when the sobs turned into partial screams as I tried to process what she was saying. She said I deserved love and that I was even FUN to love! Then she asked me to say those words out loud. At first I couldn’t. The lie was so strong. I had been going through life feeling as though I didn’t deserve to be loved, without realizing what I was believing about myself. I couldn’t unclench my jaw to get the words out. But soon enough I was crying out over and over again that “I am lovable!” I could even feel a cool breeze softly caressing my face. Jesus REALLY DOES LOVE ME!!
If those old feelings ever resurface again I now know how to combat them! I will shout that I AM LOVABLE! I will no longer believe the lie that has kept me in bondage for so long…living in continuous fear. No! I will no longer believe the lie…..