Feeling pretty down today. Is it depression or just plain unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life in general? I was healed of depression more than a month ago and I was on this high because of it. I told everyone I was healed…Well, everyone except my family. They wouldn’t understand. Now that I’m feeling down I’m worried that I didn’t really get healed. That would be embarrassing. But I am really unhappy with my current situation in life. Maybe this is just normal? I think so. But someone told me today they think I’m a serious person. It’s kind of bothering me now. They’ve never seen my silly side. I can be goofy. Or maybe I used to be goofy and fun and I lost it? Well, all I know is that my nieces think I’m funny. So there.
Don’t know why I let other people’s opinions of me matter so much. I wish I didn’t care what other people thought. And I’m also struggling with the fact that so many Christians have different theologies. Why are we so divided? After my experience with Anthony Greve last month I went through this whirl wind of confusion. He got me so confused about salvation. He said that if I had died while still involved in my habitual sin of using marijuana, I wouldn’t have gone to heaven. I know now this isn’t true. But for a little while my heart was broken because I thought it WAS true and that God would have rejected me. But I was sealed with the Holy Spirit the night I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. I may have stumbled here and there but my love for Him never changed. I still had a relationship that whole time as I was trying to find my way through the muck. God hadn’t taken away my salvation. I hadn’t turned my back on Him. I was just confused and struggling with life due to lack of guidance and good discipleship. And through it all my Heavenly Father had grace and patience and I’m so thankful. Anthony can believe what he wants but I don’t agree with him on everything. But he was right about my marijuana use being a habitual sin. I felt conviction shortly after he brought that to my attention (actually, I had been considering temporarily laying off it before the whole “Anthony thing” but was finding it difficult). I could no longer enjoy it anymore. I knew God wanted me to stop so I did out of obedience and a healthy fear of the One who made me.
Wow. I really do feel sad right now. I just hope God improves my life somehow or at least shows me what I can do to make it better, because right now I’m at a loss.