It’s 5 years ago today that Jill left this world. I wrote this 4 years ago….

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I declare June 26 to be “Honoring Your Jilly B Day”. There is no need to have known her to celebrate this day. If you have lost someone very dear to you then you have a Jilly B all your own. Make it a point to honor your loved one’s memory on this day……

Today I got three loads of clothes and shoes ready to go to Goodwill. Jill was so excited about getting that job at Goodwill. She told me all about it during our last visit together. And besides, it’s kinda dumb to leave clothes in a closet for YEARS when there is probably someone out there who needs them.

And, in honor of Jill, I inquired about a part time job today. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. No more fear and self-doubt. I’m not letting fear dictate my life anymore and that’s in thanks to Jill. I’m just sorry it had to take losing my friend and fellow auntie to finally get a grip on who I am and what kind of life I want. But the way I see it, it was her time to go so I could either waste the rest of my life crying for her or I could follow her example and carry on her legacy by being true to myself.

I love you Jill

Still trying to “get a grip on who I am.” Not so focused on getting the life I want anymore. Not sure if I ever really knew what I wanted; self-sabotage was evidence of that. Fear and self-doubt are still struggles, but I do believe they are diminishing…. SLOWLY. Fear of success, fear of the responsibility that comes along with success have been a thorn in my side.

I’ve been focused more on where I’m at, RIGHT NOW. I’m trying to live in the present and stop looking to the past (Philippians 3:13-14). It’s not always easy but I’m trying. God has allowed me to end up where I currently am and I trust in that…who am I to question God Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth?!? As if I know better than He?!? I’m done fighting it…I surrender. God is righteous, just, holy, and worthy of praise. God is love. God cannot contradict His own character and once you gain an understanding of who He is, it is easier to put your trust in Him. So I trust Him. I want what God wants for me, and since He knows me better than I know myself I’m allowing Him to show me what areas of my life need work.

We tend to blame God for things He has not done. We want Him to give us what we want but never seek a relationship with Him first… Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” We must also not forget what Jesus told us were the two most important COMMANDMENTS. How many of us TRULY seek God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30)? Have we ever stopped to think about what that means? How many of us love our neighbor as ourselves? How many of us hate ourselves and therefore lack the ability to love our neighbor properly? I know I’ve been guilty of that and I still struggle with seeing myself the way Jesus sees me.

God can work ALL THINGS for the good of those who truly love Him and follow Him (Romans 8:28). So when shit happens, and it will because we live in a fallen world until Jesus comes back to judge all humanity, we can trust that He can turn ugliness into a thing of beauty. Jesus never promised that this life would be easy (John 16:3), but He did promise that He would always be with me, never leaving me nor forsaking me (Hebrews 13:5).

Five years into this quest and I’m finding out that Papa God’s timing is far different than my own; that His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8). I am now open to HIS will and have let go of my own skewed will. Jill’s death (which is a perfect example of Romans 8:28) kick-started my journey of inner-healing so that Jesus’ will for my life can come to fruition…whatever that may be. The journey has been painful. Growth hurts but is necessary. I am allowing Jesus to lay the foundation in my heart so that I may be equipped and prepared to handle all that He has for me, for what good is success (which can mean many different things) without the tools to handle and maintain it? No matter how long it takes, I’m allowing Jesus to help me become who He always intended for me to be before the creation of the Earth. Before He formed me He knew me. I find that amazing.

I no longer need a specific day to honor Jill’s memory. Every day that I choose to strive is another day that honors her memory, because she never stopped striving, no matter what that may have looked like on any given day. But more importantly, each day that I choose to strive is another day honoring my Heavenly Father.

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