DISCLAIMER:

I was clearly feeling extremely negative when I wrote this. I tend to write what I feel when I’m feelin’ it. I don’t currently believe I’m a “horrible person” (but that could once again change…hence the title of this post) and I’m still not worried about the whole speaking in tongues thing as I have said in previous posts…even though, in this piece, it seems I am concerned. Was just feeling down in general.

Hebrews 11:6   And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who approaches Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

Does this mean I’m not seeking God hard enough? Or is the reward he’s speaking of a heavenly one? I must not be seeking God properly, because I feel like things are never going to change in my life. Getting into the new place seems impossible as I look at another year in this apartment. What was supposed to be one year in this place has turned into seven. I have no goals or hopes in life anymore. Any zeal or ambition or dreams I once had are all but distant memories now. And I feel like I have no purpose. I thought I’d be a successful artist but instead I just take up space. I feel fat, my looks have faded and my joints and hands ache. I have no desire to create.

I’ve prayed plenty and feel it pointless to continue repeating myself. God heard me the first time, I’m sure. I’m trying to be thankful for what I do have but it’s just not helping. I’m a horrible person. I was thinking to myself today that most of the world’s population doesn’t have the life they hoped for so why should I be any different? I said, “Get over yourself, Mindy!” I live in a fallen world so why should I expect to be prosperous in anything? What makes me different from any Christian in a third world country? This reward spoken of in Hebrews must be speaking of a heavenly one, otherwise every earnestly seeking believer would be prosperous. And Joel Osteen doesn’t help this inner struggle AT ALL. He only frustrates it more!

I’m frustrated with how other Christians seem to have conversations with God. Are they really experiencing this dialogue or are they just imagining it? I don’t even speak in tongues…what does that mean? I’ve been a Christian for 32 years now. Paul says we should all desire this gift, which to me means that we all can receive this gift. And this gift seems to imply a closer relationship to God is achieved through it, so why don’t I have it?!?!

I want to get baptized again because it’s been 20 years but I feel like I don’t deserve to renew my profession of faith because I’m such a failure. I don’t think I’m pleasing to God or anyone for that matter. Hopefully I get through this slump soon. Just when I seem to be feeling really good I end up crashing. This all started when my father made some negative comments about something I posted on Facebook a couple weeks ago. It had to do with a particular preacher I had recently discovered whose particular message had lifted my spirits which, within seconds, my father managed to pound into the ground. I really need to stop letting others rob me of my joy.

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5 responses »

  1. I have had such similar thought throughout my life. And one thing I just wanted to say was that even when you fail, you are still pleasing to God. Even when you stuff up, you are right with God. That’s one thing I’ve been learning since I tend to feel like the worst Christian in the world a lot, so knowing that no matter what I do, I am loved and righteous is so very reassuring. It’s not deserved; it’s simply given. Just wanted to hopefully encourage you cos we can beat ourselves up when there is absolutely no need to.

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