I don’t want to admit it. Jesus healed me after all…right? I don’t want to say that I’m depressed again, but I choose to sleep for as long as I can manage. Didn’t get out of my bed all day yesterday and slept for most of it. Told my husband I didn’t feel well because of a head ache. I did have one earlier but it’s probably because I slept too long.

There’s things I want to do for myself but I just haven’t been able to get the ball rolling. Like going to the gym…cleaning my disgusting house…

I have no drive. I don’t want to be this way.

I can still talk to people when I’m out so I know I’m not in a bad way. I know what it’s like to be down so deep that I can’t open my mouth to speak or even get dressed…although getting dressed is starting to become a challenge again. I’m not in the pit and I don’t plan to fall back into it. I’m aware of my patterns and I know I need to take charge and do something before it gets out of hand. I’m thankful for my church. It gives me a reason to get out of the house. But other than that I have no purpose…no job…no responsibilities other than taking care of my cats.

I hate the way my life is going. Sure, I could fix SOME things…like working out to lose that extra twenty pounds I loathe…or start cleaning my crammed living space one room at a time (so I don’t overwhelm myself). But I just haven’t taken those steps yet and now spring is just around the corner, then summer which requires fewer clothes which brings more misery because I hate my body.

I hate that I’m even saying any of this. It’s so negative and I don’t want to be THAT person. I know these struggles are due to my life’s current circumstances. I don’t need medication, just a motivational kick in the ass. A kick-start.

Come Holy Spirit…please kick me in the ass.

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