I just went back and read ‘Eternal Perspective’ to see what I wrote about needing to stay in my marriage despite my feelings. I went back and read what I wrote almost a year ago because I’m feeling it again. The angst, the frustration, the anger and resentment; they’re all rearing their ugly heads once again. I knew I shouldn’t have watched those stupid romantic movies. It’s not reality!! And they always trigger this response in me and it lasts for WEEKS.

I feel like giving up.

So, in hopes of receiving encouragement from my own words, I went back to see what I had to say. Honestly? It wasn’t what I wanted to hear (or read, I should say) and I’m wondering if I was right or if I’m forcing myself to carry a load too heavy to bear? BUT, I have to admit…it did encourage me to keep at it. I do feel I haven’t done all I can in respect to “delighting in the Lord” as I should (read the link for ‘desires of our own hearts’ to know what I mean by that). I’ve been too focused on my misery. I will try and give the praise He deserves. I haven’t been listening to any worship music AT ALL. I will start there. It’s all I’ve got in me currently. Thank the Lord He understands where I’m at.

So, here you go, some juicy excerpts with a few rude interruptions, by me, here and there…

“…Could I have walked away from my marriage a long time ago? SURE! But this life was never meant to be all about us and our own wants and comforts. Yes, God does care about the desires of our own hearts, but He also knows what is best for us in the long-run. He exists outside of time. He can see far ahead and knows just what needs to happen when and where in order for His perfect plan to come to fruition. What if my willingness to stay in this thing and keep pushing through these trials will eventually bring BREAKTHROUGH because I didn’t give up? What if, by my staying, Rick gains true salvation and revelation because I persevered; because I stayed and continued to grow in my own walk with the Lord? What if my own life wasn’t ever about me but meant to be a light for someone else? …”

Pardon me, but I must interject here for a moment… What if, by my LEAVING, Rick gets his revelation? As far as my life being a light for someone else goes?…yeah, I’m failing HUGE in that department. I’ll speak for Rick when I say, it’s been difficult to be around me lately. Whatever light I’m supposed to be for him has been snuffed out by my own misery. Okay, you may continue…

“…What if…

by my staying, God is able to prune me while I learn about my OWN character flaws…and believe me, there are PAH-lenty. …”

Okay, sorry, me again…WOW. What a true statement…

“…What if a tenderness and a patience I never demonstrated before in our marriage suddenly becomes the fruit produced from my own pruning? Could that be what sparks a change in Rick’s own walk? And how amazing would it be for God Almighty to be glorified through the restoration of our marriage?!?! …”

Ummm, yeah…That WOULD be amazing but I’ve yet to see this long awaited fruit. If that’s what is needed to spark change then we’re both in trouble. I’m still too busy carrying around a heavy, hardened heart. And believe me when I tell you, I continually ask God to change/fix my heart because I can’t do it myself.

“…I’m trying to grow in the Lord and become all He meant me to be since before the beginning of time. It’s difficult to grow when you walk AWAY from the fire. How can you become refined when you walk away from the fire? How do you become stronger when you give up on something because you just don’t want to stay in it anymore? …”

Yeah, this statement punched me right in the face. I definitely don’t want to stay in this anymore. I don’t want to live this way anymore. But I guess I made a good point…How DO I become refined if I walk away from the fire? …maybe there are different types of fire? Maybe a new phase is necessary. Maybe a change is needed because I can’t see myself continuing for much longer before another breakdown occurs.

“…What if, by my staying and striving to seek God through it all, THAT is what makes the difference in Rick’s life? Isn’t he worth it? And isn’t marriage more than just wanting what you can get from your spouse? Isn’t marriage a covenant which means a whole lot more than whether the other person makes you happy enough?…”

Boy, talk about putting pressure on myself! But perhaps I was right? I think I’ve lost my eternal perspective. I’m still seeking God but He’s been silent with me for quite some time now and I’m not sure why.

“…It’s hard to live this way. I bottle it all up and then, after some time, it slowly makes its way back up to the surface and I break down all over again. This has been the cycle for YEARS. But I CHOOSE to persevere until the Lord clearly shows me it’s time to do something else. If He wants me to leave I will know on the Lord’s timing, not mine. … Because if I make some hasty decision based on my own feelings, I fear I may miss something big that God already has planned. I don’t want to miss out on what God has for me because I just couldn’t wait anymore. And besides, nothing I could choose to do on my own could ever compare to what God can do for me…”

I’m still waiting on the Lord. I don’t want to act without His blessing and clear guidance. I can’t do that. Not again. It just makes the journey longer and harder. I’m already so tired.

UPDATE…7/16/2020:

Nothing spectacular has happened. In fact, the world around us seems to have gone to shit at a record pace. But, after reading this back to myself, I just wanted to note that I am feeling better regardless of my circumstances. I’ve been reading and studying God’s word more than ever; I’m praying more (which really means I’ve been taking the time to talk heart to heart with my Heavenly Father a lot more). I’m eating better, intermittent fasting with mostly a one meal a day approach (sometimes I mix it up a little) with a low carb/little to no sugar-diet. I just decided one day to start and I didn’t over think it…I just started doing and didn’t focus on negatives. Each day I would just tell myself to keep at it because it’s gonna pay off. It just takes time (I still tell myself this). My actions quickly aligned with getting my head right.

I’m pleased to say I have gotten over the hump and it is now quite easy to continue with these eating habits. I also started exercising; nothing challenging as to not hurt or overwhelm myself . This baby-step approach is really working for me. No self-pressure. I’m losing weight and inches and a lot of the inflammation in my body is gone. I feel confident that I can continue with these changes. I feel good. And God is good! I had been praying for Him to help me with the self-discipline because it’s always been an area I have struggled. I do feel He is helping me along…I truly do. I have been delighting in Him and in return I have a peace that sustains me. I didn’t give up in seeking Him and it is indeed true that God rewards those who diligently seek Him. Amen! I refuse to ever stop seeking!

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