For some time now, I’ve questioned whether or not I need deliverance or if all my issues lie squarely with me. Is it, in fact, ALL ME? Or do my issues stem from something far deeper? I’m aware that we all have certain strongholds in our life we must pray and work through to overcome and I practice this daily. BUT, I also believe many of us require deliverance from unclean spirits that we don’t even know are there! I believe this because the other night was confirmation for me on this very matter.
You see, I “went” to another miracle meeting (2021 Miracle Meeting #4) via the zoom. They are hosted by Pastor Mark Hemans of Jesus Encounter Ministries and I’ve been following him for at least four years now. Ever since I came across one of his videos on YouTube, I’ve been a loyal follower. I was looking forward to going to a meeting in person, but the CCP Virus prevented Pastor Mark from traveling. So my planned attendance to a meeting in Connecticut for August of 2020 was canceled. Fortunately, for us, God is not limited by our earthly restrictions.
As I prepared for the online meeting, I made sure to write down what I wanted to say in case I was located by the Holy Spirit. But alas, I was never picked out of the crowd and decided that I should stay for the prayer group at the end. I have had a habit of leaving these meetings once they end, only wanting prayer from Pastor Mark. I know this attitude is wrong so, this time, I stayed despite the temptation to leave a couple of times; once when the main meeting ended and once while I was in the actual prayer room waiting for my turn.
By the time my name was called I felt sort of numb and hesitant to even speak. I managed to get out the meat of what I wanted to say. I mentioned how I wanted more from God. I said I wanted to be baptized in His Holy Spirit and His Fire. I want all and any gifts He wants to give me, but I’ve felt for quite some time that there is a sort of wall or barrier which prevents me from receiving.
The first thing the prayer helper (I think her name may have been Anna?) asked me was if I listened to worldly music.
“No. Not at all,” I immediately replied.
Then she suggested that maybe it’s a lack of faith or unbelief because God doesn’t withhold His gifts from us, we just don’t receive them. DUH, I thought to myself, feeling a bit annoyed. I had already stated that I was having trouble receiving. And I regularly ask the Lord to show me if I have any unbelief or doubt unbeknownst to me and, if so, to please forgive me and help me.
She then proceeded to explain how we need to diligently seek God. While she was speaking my head steadily shook no as I visualized the handwritten scripture of Hebrews 11:6 pinned to my bathroom wall.
Surely the irritation was becoming visible upon my face. At this point I’m wondering if this lady can even hear from the Holy Spirit or is she just going down a presupposed list?
Tears began to materialize out of frustration. That’s when I do believe she stopped throwing out suggestions and began rebuking something to come out of me. I then felt it manifest. I’d seen this plenty of times in the ministry videos but now I was personally experiencing it. With my eyes firmly clenched shut, I felt as though my neck were trying to compress into itself. It became quite tense and felt thick like a tree stump. I could feel a distinct pressure building directly underneath my jawline on each side of my neck. And at one point I swear my eyes became like slits and my tongue began to slightly protrude from my mouth in a pointy, serpent-like manner as I let out an involuntary, growly groan. I wish I could clarify all of this by watching the video back, but unfortunately it was not recorded and archived for my viewing pleasure. Whatever the case, at a certain point it did feel as though something had manifested in my face and whatever it was, it most certainly was not me. (I would also like to note that my hands, especially my left one, was curling in at the wrist while my middle or forefinger had firmly pressed itself against my thumb.) I soon felt the urge to cough, so I did. (I already knew about the different ways a demon can leave the body when commanded.) The prayer helper told me to cough some more, so I did. She then asked me how I felt, so I told her about the pressure and she said it was a spirit.
I think they all (everyone in the group) expected me to be able to speak in tongues after that and I felt a bit pressured to try. So, despite feeling self-conscious and to be honest, a bit cynical and annoyed since I’ve been down this road before, I stepped out in faith by opening my mouth and giving a lame “la, la, la” effort in hopes my speech would turn “heavenly.” That didn’t happen.
I’ve pondered a bit on the feelings I experienced amidst this prayer session; the feelings of annoyance, irritation and cynicism. Were those feelings even mine? (Well, the cynicism is all mine. It took me years to develop that kind of distrust due to repeated failed attempts at speaking in tongues, public and private.) Or are my feelings and emotions being influenced by these unclean spirits that have apparently taken up residence within the deep caverns of my body and soul? I’m sure they didn’t want me to receive prayer which is why I felt tempted to leave more than once. And how long have they been there? And why? What was the root cause which permitted them to enter? When did they enter?!? Who are they? A spirit of rejection, perhaps? Fear? Self-hatred? These are all questions I have, but no answers were offered.
But I digress . . .
So, as my head is turning from side to side in a steady ‘NO’ gesture whilst attempting to “activate” the gift of tongues by speaking a few “la la la’s,” the feelings of annoyance and frustration became stronger. That’s when the lady started commanding another spirit to come out from wherever it was hiding. I, myself, even tried commanding it to leave by tearfully yelling, “Get out of me in the name of Jesus!” But this thing wasn’t leaving and I think she needed to move on to others still waiting in the prayer room. She ended our time by saying how she believed my deliverance would continue throughout the night. I might even feel the need to throw up later, she said. So, out of faith, I agreed with her and stated that I believe this to be true.
I never got sick that night; never felt the urge to throw up, as she had suggested. Never felt anything else try to leave my body. But I did feel weird waves of a pins-and-needles type sensation in my left leg as I lay in bed that night. I have felt this sensation many a time before, but always chalked it up to some odd, bodily fluke. But that pressure I felt in my neck had an eerily similar sensation. So now I’ve ascertained this feeling to be a manifestation, not some bodily-function anomaly. At least now I’m aware of what it truly is. (I’m sure that must piss this “thing” off since it/they seem to prefer to remain hidden.) I suppose I could be wrong and it’s just chills I’m feeling (but it happens a lot). . . Either that or I’m just plain crazy, but I don’t think so.
So, I’m thinking I still need deliverance; I’m not convinced they have all “left the building.” Not to mention that the very next day I felt worse than ever; that heavy, oppressed feeling I’d been carrying around had not left and I felt as though I were in a haze all day. I also think the asthma I struggle with (among other ailments) is connected as well. I’m praying the Lord will finish this work He has begun in me so that I can continue on in my walk, stronger and more confident than ever before. I want to be able to help others receive deliverance, healing, and freedom from the enemy, but it must first start with me.